Heaven Bound By Grace Alone

2012-02-08T09:17:00.000-05:00

The gym membership idea is definitely out. The prices aren't too bad at all for a year's membership, but it appears you have to pay extra for the classes. To a girl that grew up in the military where everything like that was either free or at a reduced price, it feels steep! :-) Anyway, it doesn't fit my budget, and that's what really matters. So...instead I'm going to look into some gaming systems. I've heard a lot about Just Dance and I want to see what else is out there. I can't really do much weight lifting anyway given the muscle and joint pain [it aggravates it], so I'm really looking to burn fat and tone up. Yay for a job that will allow me to be organized and productive both at work and at home!!! :-) I'm praying this year brings on a whole new Danielle that has the energy to stick to committments!

Rambling Thoughts...

2012-02-05T19:44:00.000-05:00

I feel like I have moved into survival mode for my last week at the daycare. Each week seems to get harder, physically speaking, and bring on more joint pain and fatigue. I remember this being an issue when I worked around the cows and worked long hours, but I guess I didn't think this qualified since it's only a 42-ish hour work week [as oppose to the 60 hours/week I use to work]. Maybe it's because I'm older, but I am not ashamed to admit that I can't hack it. Praise God for this new job, because when I applied for it, the fatigue was sneaking up on me and I didn't really think it was going to be a problem. It's like being blindsided by an eighteen wheeler. :-) I'm very, very, very thankful this is my last week in regards to energy levels and pain [I'm living on ibuprofen again].

I also miss the more organized Danielle I had become up until three months ago. I thought I was just being lazy and was thrown through a loop by being on a new schedule, but I realize now it's the fatigue. I don't have the energy to come home and get done everything that needs doing. So this week, my only plans are to get my school work done, as well as studying for my new job and getting on an earlier schedule. Other than that--and finishing up well at my custodial job--I don't have any great asperations. I skipped church today and plan on missing caregroup [small group] this week as well. I just want to get through this week without getting sick and without starting my new job on Monday a frazzled mess because I'm so burned out. :-) Wouldn't that be loverly, as Eliza Doolittle use to say.

One of the things I am most looking forward to with this new job is the earlier hours [I start anywhere from 7:30 in the morning to 9:00]. I love earlier hours like this where it's early enough to get off work at a decent time, but not so early that you're having to get up loooooong before the sun is even thinking about peaking it's head over the horizon. I'm also looking foward to that day in Spring where I am walking out our front door to head to work--a fact I hope to be thrilled about--and the sun is warm, the grass is green, the birds are singing and the air is shouting, "it's SPRING!" I've waited for that moment since I quit the cows and it seems to me God could be answering that prayer before I expected Him to.

Something else I am hoping to look into is a membership at the rec center. I thought about a place like Curves [which I would assume is cheaper], but decided the pool and possibility for water aerobics is something I want to have access to. After happening enough times for me to take notice, I realized that any time I've either had a job that was extremely physical or I tried to work out a lot, I always end up getting weaker over time because of the pain. Since water aerobics is suppose to be a great way to exercise that is gentler on the joints, I thought that might help. If a membership is too much, I can at least have safer options to walk in town where I work [as oppose to out in the country where you run the risk of getting squashed].

Anyway, that's enough rambling from me for now. :-) Have a great week!!

2012-01-30T07:20:00.000-05:00

A friend of mine whom I met during our hay days of milking cows recently opened her own restaurant. Previously, she had a small setup in Green Dragon, but now she has a building just outside Ephrata that was formerly known as Beam's Music Store. The restaurant is called Outback Creamery and Grille [I suspect the "Outback" refers to the location at Green Dragon, which was the name of her stand there]. She has a great menu for both breakfast and lunch/dinner that I think will be [and appears to already be] very different and popular in Ephrata. It's a nice change from Applebee's, the typical diner's in Ephrata, and restaurant's like The Lincoln House or HillTop. Not sure if I have that last name right... The above picture is my favorite breakfast item by far: stuffed french toast with cherry topping and apple wood smoked sausage on the side. There is another variation of the stuffed french toast that is loaded with meats and cheese...very yummy! I'll post other pics of what I order from time to time.

On to other exciting news.................I HAVE A NEW JOB! :-) That's right, folks, in two weeks I will be a front desk and billing personnel at a local doctor's office. I'm very excited! I went to purchase my new scrubs this weekend, which was insanely fun. I felt like I was just given the ticket into a secret society or something. There was another lady shopping for scrubs, so I asked her to give me the layout of the whole thing, which she did along with sharing in my enthusiasm for my new job...a very nice lady indeed. And surprisingly enough, scrubs are actually very figure flattering...who would have guessed? I had fun with the various colors, though there were one or two that I couldn't find in just my size. I felt like Goldilocks...some were too small, some were too big and only a few were just right. Some were from the same company and the same size and still didn't fit the same, but I had fun anyway.

I will miss my co-workers and the kids at the daycare, but the physical toll is piling up, so I'm anxious for these two weeks to go by quickly. I keep getting sick between all the colds, flu's and bugs flying around and being so physically run down, which is the main culprit. As my co-workers found out I will be leaving in two weeks, I heard "fond" farewells..."I'm so mad at you" and something along the lines of being called a dork. :-) I was banished from sitting in my favorite booth in the cafe [right where the light pours in from a window], though I still sat there when the banisher wasn't looking. There were a few direct well wishes sprinkled in, but the frowns kinda always make you feel more loved. ;-)

2012-01-11T09:14:00.000-05:00

There doesn't seem to be much time to get anything done these days. :-) Mainly because I still need to get into a better routine of going to bed earlier so I can get up earlier. I have to find a better way of unwinding in the evenings that doesn't involve crashing in front of the tube. :-)

I am really enjoying working in a small town [New Holland is unique from Ephrata in that it is smaller and seems more close knit]. I love going to the main grocery store on that end of town after work and seeing co-workers there, or kids and their parents from the daycare. It's also nice when you're sick and people are nice about it and ask you how you're doing the next day...what a nice surprise to have it understood that you're not a human machine. :-) I got another hug from one of the kiddos at work the other week...love it! More than anything I wish I could find a way to work around the kids more. I found out what someone with a bachelor's degree makes at a daycare...it's appallingly low! If you're kids go to daycare and you feel you're not getting your money's worth, trust me, you likely are. They are there because they love it, not because they can make a decent living doing it.

I've settled into a routine there and not finding it as lonely. I get to chat with people as I'm going about my business, and I have my iPod for the days where I'm feeling more lonely and therefore more likely to chat too long. I always get the guilties when I take a few minutes to sit [apart from my break], but one of the teacher's recently told me I get a lot done from her view of things, and that made me feel good. It's a very active job...if I'm stationary it's because I'm cleaning, otherwise I'm walking around a lot. I am losing inches in my waist [the scale isn't changing much...muscle?] and I'm not even trying! So I decided this week I need to get serious about eating healthier as much as I can and really take advantage of how active the job keeps me. I'd like to get as much weight off me as I can while I'm here, and then try to maintain that with an office job, which won't be easy at all for someone that hates to work out [though I love walking] and "diet". I admit it, I love food! :-) I like healthy food, too, I just get bored with it.

Hmm, what else is new? I'm wearing glasses...did I mention I'm wearing glasses? Now that I'm use to them, I like them. I feel "naked" without them on, which is a riot considering how goofy I felt when I first started wearing them. My right eye is much weaker than the left and it was getting noticeable, particularly when I was driving. I am a fan of America's Best now....two glasses plus the exam for $60...not bad! :-)

My next class starts in two weeks...Intro to Medical Insurance. I should be done by June, can't remember if I mentioned that before. I am applying to some jobs here and there, but there hasn't been much lately. I'm guessing it goes in waves. Last year all I could find were jobs in billing and nothing in coding, now it's flip-flopped. I'm torn about applying around now. I want to get started in that career and I'm excited and ready for the challenge, but I'm going to miss my co-workers and the kids at the daycare. I'm even finding that I don't dislike the cleaning, although with so much it feels overwhelming at times. But all in all, it makes sense to get my foot in the door as soon as I can and hope that my new co-workers are equally as nice to be around. :-)

A parting, updated profile pic:

2011-12-21T12:26:00.000-05:00

I finished my CPT class last week--thank goodness! It was a more involved and chaotic type of coding that I hated 50% of the time! :-) I definitely don't want a job dealing exclusively with CPT. I also find anything dealing with cardiac to be frustrating. So no cardiology for me. I have three more classes to go before I'm finished with the medical billing program, which is exciting.

I can't remember if I shared this yet or not, but this job is still surprisingly lonely. It gives the effect of being on the outside looking in. It is a reminder that I can't look to circumstances surrounding me for fulfillment. As to the One I should be looking to, I find that a struggle as well. Alot of my troubles comes down to time management, and I am also finding it difficult to get going in the morning. My QTs have been non-existent for awhile now. It is something I am going to have to work on.

2011-12-15T08:28:00.001-05:00

Looking exotic but really just freaking out about the car
that's about to drive passed. ;)

Well, there really isn't much to tell these days. Work is going well and I'm enjoying getting to see the kiddos every day. If the scenario were different [ie. not a labor job], I'd like to stay with this company for a year or so and get a chance to really enjoy everyone and have that in my memory bank. But as I'm trying to move forward in job skills, I think it's best I not linger too long. I love the fact that I keep moving with this job and I'm not afraid of the hard work, I just have 12 years of labor work under my belt and I want something more challenging that won't tax my body as I get older. I mention the latter because, obviously, there are a lot of very challenging and highly skilled labor jobs. :-)

Always ready for a scratch behind the ears. :)

I'm also enjoying working around people again, and this particular group of women are a lot of fun. I can't get over the perks, either. A gift card for working Black Friday, both Mondays off after Christmas and New Year's, two Christmas dinner parties and next week I'm going to someone's house to bake Christmas Cookies. Between farming jobs and working nights by myself, I've missed out! :-) We also have lunch provided for us through the daycare's kitchen [it's about an 8 classroom 'school'].

I'm looking forward to Christmas and not at all prepared. :-)

2011-11-13T22:46:00.000-05:00

I had a great time this weekend with the ladies in my caregroup. We headed to Avalon, NJ for the weekend where we were able to stay at a beach house that sat practically on the beach [about a two minute walk to the ocean]. It was a nice, relaxing time away just before switching jobs!

On Wednesday, I officially begin my FT position cleaning the building I currently clean. :-) It was decided to merge two PT cleaning jobs into one, so I will be taking on a lot more responsibilities, as well as working directly for the day care center. I had been cleaning the floors through my uncle's company [the daycare/church contracted the job out]. The first couple of months will be "winging it", as we take two jobs that take about 30 or so hours a week each to complete, and pare it down to 40 hours a week. Most of the downsizing will be the floors. There's a lot of detail to it, but we think it's going to work. The most exciting detail is that I am switching to dayshift! I will be starting late morning and finish up mid-evening. This week will be a little rough...Tuesday is my last nightshift, and Wednesday morning I report for my first shift on days. We'll see if I can make the transition from three years of nights to days in a twenty-four hour period! :-) The weekend away helps, and I plan on getting to work earlier my last two nights so I can be home and asleep before it gets too terribly late. I will actually miss one or two things about nightshift, but nothing so much that I would want to keep the schedule! :-)

2011-11-13T22:22:00.000-05:00

The pics of candy are from one of the few shops still opened on Wildwood's boardwalk. The other two or three were all arcades. The shot of the dining room table was our fondue party from Friday night!

2011-11-13T22:11:00.000-05:00

In flight...

Just a tad bit windy. :-)

The ladies in my caregroup [missing 2]. We had a great time!

At Wildwood

This little guy is too cute for words and definitely the favorite
attraction for everyone this weekend!

2011-11-05T01:24:00.000-04:00

Milk and cheese delivery!

Looking across the fields of a horse farm to a Mennonite-owned farm.

Edge of horse farm from a different road

Flowers for my birthday. They're still around!

The merry-go-round of life has finally slowed down because I stuck my foot out and stopped it! I realized this week I have been packing my days too full and things like housework and studying have been suffering. I haven't been eating as healthy in part because I haven't been home long enough to cook! My days are still full, but as I plan in the future, I am trying to remember that I need to say no from time to time, which I hate. Especially when it means turning down friends to hang out!!

My current class is definitely harder. It's a small class, consisting of only 6 people [which we all love], and we've agreed that CPT is much harder than ICD-9 coding. Not impossible, just a lot more details, regulations and something called modifiers to remember. On the one hand I like the challenge, but I prefer how straight forward ICD-9 is. It works a lot like a GPS. CPT works like a GPS that has been run over a few times and can't get out of "re-calculating" mode. :-)

By now, I've concluded I did not get the job in York I had been hoping. I think it's just as well, given the long drive, and I'm really not as disappointed as I thought I would be. I was kind of relieved that I didn't have to turn it down if I did get it! That would have been torture. I've had to do it before and it was not fun, though it turned out fine in the end. But in the moment, it was scary to know whether I was hearing God right and making the right decision.

There is something else in the works, but I will wait until it's official to post about it. For now, hope everyone is having a great Autumn!!

2011-10-29T15:43:00.000-04:00

I am having a hard time comprehending the fact that only a few days ago, our scenery looked crisp and very Autumn-y! Now, we're sitting under about 4 inches of snow with plenty more coming, by the looks of things. While I do love snow, and I'm enjoying the beauty of it, I wasn't quite ready to say goodbye to my flowers. Particularly, my orange thumbergia vine [black eyed susan] which is a little behind this year and only just now coming into full bloom. I never did get a picture of it!!

I think later mom and I are going for a walk, possibly over to the goat farm to get eggs. It's become an annual tradition. :-)

On a walk...hard to believe this was only six days ago!!

At the end of my road...

2011-10-23T20:04:00.000-04:00

This poor, sadly neglected blog. Life has been busy, busy, busy! Between filling out job applications, an interview [and subsequent computer testing], waiting to hear if I got the job....still waiting to hear if I got the job...homeworks [and lots of it!] and all the other fun stuff of life, I haven't had much time to write or take pictures. Here's two snippets from a walk with friends. They came over today to help celebrate my birthday. :-)

Friends out on a walk...they definitely qualify as my blessings in life!

Having fun!
Can you guess the book?

2011-10-13T04:18:00.003-04:00

Spying on his brother from on high...

My favorite pottery mug to drink hot tea
from around the campfire at the 18th
century encampments.

Bronson zeroed in on mom who had just gotten home.

2011-10-11T15:46:00.000-04:00

“For I, The LORD your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, ‘Fear not, I am the one who helps you.’” Isaiah 41:13

“For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart. I will be found by you, declares the LORD…” Jeremiah 29:11-14a

“Come now, you who say, ‘Today or tomorrow we will go into such and such a town and spend a year there and trade and make a profit’—yet you do not know what tomorrow will bring. What is your life? For you are a mist that appears for a little time and then vanishes. Instead you ought to say, ‘If the Lord wills, we will live and do this or that.’” James 4:13-15

“What makes all the events of Good Friday and Easter and all the promises they secure good news is that they lead us to God…And when we get there, it is God himself who will satisfy our souls forever.” John Piper

“As if things weren’t already baffling, through the gospel we become children of God. Prior to conversion we are divine terrorists. We spit in God’s face, kick dirt on his commands, and do everything in our power to sabotage his plans. It would be incredible if God did nothing more than forgive us and allow us to be lowly servants in his kingdom. But he does far more than that. He lifts us out of the gutter scum, cleans our filth, wraps us in clean robes of righteousness, and then embraces us as children. Rebels are adopted as sons and daughters.” Stephen Altrogge

2011-10-07T02:42:00.000-04:00

Traipsing around with a camera...

2011-10-07T02:20:00.000-04:00

Bailey: I knew you bought this nifty box for me to sleep in...

Overlooking farmland about two minutes from my house.

The view from the opposite side near the above pic.

One of the pics that also resulted in someone
thinking my car had broke down. :-)

One of my favorite places to journal. The picnic tables are all gone
now. This is also at Middle Creek Wetland Project.

A small dam near the above pic.

Soft Oatmeal Cookies

2011-09-26T18:06:00.004-04:00

Sadie Mae [iPhone pic]

I don't think it's officially official, but it sounds like my position will be cut back to two days a week starting in January. I started looking for other employment now; with this economy, finding a FT [or even PT] job isn't easy. But I'm praying that God brings dayshift employment my way, and I'd be thrilled if it was clerical work [in a medical setting]. Right now, I'm finding a lot of entry-level positions that I qualify for, so that helps.

I finally baked up batch of cookies that tastes good. It helps when I don't try and experiment with a new recipe, or overcorrect a poorly turned out batter...or not pay attention and use bisquick. ;-) I'll post the recipe below. I did veer off the beaten path a teeny bit and added nutmeg and ground cloves to the batch to give it an extra Autumn zing. I also added more cinnamon than the recipe calls for. The previous batch was too mild for my liking. They turned out moist and soft as promised. The recipe is from AllRecipes.com.

Ingredients

1 cup butter, softened
1 cup white sugar
1 cup packed brown sugar
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1 teaspoon salt
1 1/2 teaspoons ground cinnamon
3 cups quick [not old fashioned] cooking oats

Directions

In a medium bowl, cream together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Combine flour, baking soda, salt, and cinnamon; stir into the creamed mixture. Mix in oats. Cover, and chill dough for at least one hour.
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F (190 degrees C). Grease cookie sheets. Drop dough by the spoonful, placing 2 inches apart on cookie sheets.
Bake for 8 to 10 minutes in preheated oven. Allow cookies to cool on baking sheet for 5 minutes before transferring to a wire rack to cool completely.

**We use parchment paper to bake on, which makes cleanup easier and doesn't require greasing the cookie sheets.

2011-09-22T15:17:00.004-04:00

Do you find it difficult to trust God with the lives of your friends and family? I realized last week that I do find it difficult and it made me wonder today why I say I trust Him in my own life. Is it because I know I can look back and see where He has always proved faithful and I worry others won't be able to, or won't remember to? And in that case, isn't it possible that I am really trusting in Him with my own life because I'm keeping myself as my back up plan? If God doesn't pull through this time, I least I have myself as my own ally and I can try and figure away out of this war zone. It's been a revelation for me as my heart breaks for the difficulties those that I love are going through. I think too highly of myself and still find that I am like a relay racer, just waiting for God to pass the baton. May all those who know me experience God benching me every game! :)

I read recently in Luke 3 about the tempting of Jesus by Satan as He stayed in the desert for 40 days. How heavy His soul must have been living 33 years in a fallen world where so many were [are] suffering and still refusing to turn to Him for comfort and solace. Then again, I imagine He feels it just as acutely now as He did living here. If you find your in a season of trials or a time of discipline, don't assume He is indifferent to your suffering. I lived that way for a long time and I'm thankful I've since been shown that He is not the cold hearted and indifferent God I thought Him to be. It makes sense to me that, being a sinner and one that is prone to becoming easily hard hearted, God would use trials and suffering to draw me to Him. As to date, because of His mercy, I have never gone through a trial and cursed God for it. I have in the midst of the trial, but as the weeks and months passed by, He always showed me the value of that suffering and He's always been faithful to draw me back to Him. Most things are still a mystery to me, but I know it's because of my own weaknesses or inability to see clearly, not because He's not faithful. I am perplexed, but not without hope because of who He is. If He's helped me to see that, can I not trust Him with my friends and family? What more could He do to show His steadfast faithfulness? Hasn't He already accomplished all of that on the Cross? May I always see that when the stakes are higher and the suffering and loss harder to comprehend.

Having fun with the camera...

2011-09-20T13:48:00.001-04:00

Virgil [Turkish Angora] standing on the picture he had knocked down
that my niece had made me a few years ago...

Bailey [Turkish Angora]...yes, we typically store measuring cups on the floor. ;)

Bacopia flower. It didn't fare as well this year, but finally kicked
in towards the end of summer. Note for next year...use fertilizer earlier.

Zinnias and an old one room school house desk
in the background.

As it turns out, butterflies are very difficult to photograph. This is
the first I've seen of this variety. We usually get the yellow and
black butterflies.

Zinnias and osteospermum in the first pot, thumbergia vine
[black eyed susan] in the second.

2011-09-14T18:28:00.000-04:00

Our neighborhood has had wild turkeys roaming around for around 5-10 years now. We live in a pretty rural area [for being just outside of town] and they live pretty happily between the bugs and worms in all of our yards, not to mention the homes that have feeder cribs. I never hear any gunshots, so I'm not sure if they're hunted or not. They're very comfortable moseying through our property over to our neighbors, and even bring their babies around for us to see [what is a young turkey called, anyway?]. About two years ago, we noticed a new addition trailing the flock...a peahen! It took her about a year to infiltrate their flock; before that, they chased her. She had it good for about a year, and then for some reason this year she's back on the outs again. Like the picture shows, she's back to wandering by herself. The theory is that she escaped from a neighbor's pen, where there's a peacock. Occasionally I keep thinking we should give the guy a heads up, but as loud as she is, I find it hard to believe he doesn't know. Once, my neighbor heard the peahen crying her head off and walked outside to find the bird up on her roof and peering down the chimney! She seems pretty lonely, which I think is kind of sad.

The original flock of turkeys consisted of only about 4 birds and they were much more brazen. They loved to attack cars driving by and would peck at your car if you honked at them. They came much closer to the house and would let you get within several feet. They were even featured on WGAL at the time as a Thanksgiving 'feel good' story. I guess the story was picked up on the national news because my dad got a call from a radio station in L.A., CA and Danny Bonaduce [of The Partridge Family fame] was a DJ and wanted to interview dad about it. So they're our communities little claim to fame. :) I'm sure they're hunted somewhat, but I think there would be a general outcry if they were completely wiped out. There was a turkey two years ago that had a bum leg, but she still got around on it pretty good. The best part is getting to see the toms spreading their plumage and upstaging one another. It's a beautiful and comical sight.

Dad got a new camera recently and I warned him to not show me how the thing works. Historically, he gets a new camera and I get the old one [a very sweet deal]. But then I notice features on the new one that I like, so I end up using the new one, too. Well, he didn't listen, so this second shot is also taken from the new camera [by me]. I really do want to make sure I'm respecting his stuff, so I'm trying to limit myself. The old camera still takes really great shots [maybe not as clear] and is great for now. Eventually, I want to get a really nice digital camera similar to his new one. But as the old camera was accidentally left at my Grandparents last week [not by me, just to be clear of any wrongdoing :)], I guess I'll have to play around with Dad's a little. :)

2011-09-13T16:37:00.002-04:00

My thumbergia vine on our front porch. Props to my friend
Keri for suggesting the idea of putting it in a container!

Today I drove through a patch of shade interdispersed with sunbeams, saw a yellow butterfly, felt a rush of cool air and thought, yes! Autumn is coming! In another week, it really will be here. :) Coming home from work last night, the moon was large and full and it struck me in that moment that I am thankful for every day and I don't want to rush any of them. Often times I complain about something taking so long or I drop comments like, "I can't wait" for such and such to happen. But really, if given the chance, I know I wouldn't want to rush life. Let things come as God ordains them to and enjoy the anticipation of it.
Growing up, I abhorred the thought of opening Christmas presents on Christmas Eve. Afterall, what would there be to look forward to in the morning? We did it one year and as I knew it would be, it was a huge letdown the next morning. I remember thinking about how much fun it was to open the gifts, but that in a few days the excitement would be over and, honestly, I would be bored with all my new toys already. Since the aniticipation was more than half the fun, I didn't want it to end. I'm not sure if that means I was insightful or spoiled! :) I use to tease my parents about looking for the presents, but to actually do so and take a peek was a crime in my book. I love surprises, but I also love to know a surprise is coming because then I can enjoy the anticipation. Kind of strange, I know. I hope I live life the same way, cherishing every moment and God appointed day He has given me. A side note: this ghastly idea of ruining surpises or rushing them does not extend to novels or movies that I suspect is going to have a bad ending. In such cases, I take a peek or google the ending of said media to find out how devastated I'll be. Nine times out of ten, I decide not to finish the book/movie. I find that solution a happy one, but there are a few friends who refuse to lend me books. :) Since Hollywood subjected me to movies like Old Yeller, The Yearling and Disney's Bambi, blame them. :) I haven't gotten over the trauma of it yet. ;)

Recent Turn of Events...

2011-09-12T15:16:00.001-04:00

I reported a few days ago about the PT job I was hoping to get. I just found out today that it fell through and while I'm disappointed, I think the person made a wise decision [trying to keep employee hours down in a struggling economy]. I didn't mention it before, but this opportunity was at my old job, breeding cows. I had really looked forward to going back PT and seeing my old customers, and that's the largest source of sadness for me. But I'm also relieved for several reasons. First of all, it's an answer to prayer. I asked God to let the answer be clear, and if it was a no, that the door would close at my old employer's end. My emotions were too tied into this decision and I knew I wasn't going to be able to hear God's heart on the matter very well. He answered both of those. I also am a bit relieved because part of me felt that it was going backwards, and I have a personality that likes nostalgia too much. It's better for me to keep moving forward.

Another twist to the story, however, is that my hours at my current job could be cut, up to as much as half. It's not a done deal and hopefully it won't be done quickly, if it's done at all. It's also possible they'll decide to only downsize my position by one or two days, instead of three [although I can't afford any amount if I'm going to keep paying for courses at HACC]. Either way, I need to be looking for at least an additional PT job.

After talking with a dear woman God has placed in my life as a kind of spiritual mother, I am more encouraged than discouraged, I think. I'm sure my emotions will be up and down over the next couple of months if they do decide to cut hours. But so far, I know God has answered my prayer, I know He is faithful to provide, and it strikes me that He could be answering my prayer to get me off nightshift a whole year earlier than I had anticipated. I have a roof over my head and food to eat and I'm not endanger of having to find homes for my pets [which would be the biggest heartbreak for me].

So if you're reading this and wondering how you can be praying, please pray that God will provide either continued hours at my current job, an additional PT or a different job altogether. Also, please pray that I would continue trusting God and have a good attitude towards whatever His answer may be [particularly if it means having to put off the schooling for a few months].

Deuteronomy 32:4

"He is the Rock, his works are perfect, and all his ways are just. A faithful God who does no wrong, upright and just is he."

Numbers 23:19

"God is not a man, that he should lie, nor a son of man, that he should change his mind. Does he speak and then not act? Does he promise and not fulfill?"

Isaiah 54:10

"Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the LORD, who has compassion on you."

2011-09-10T22:28:00.001-04:00

I love reunions. Sometimes [like today] I get in kind of a funky mood and I don't feel like doing anything or being around big crowds, but when I get there and get out of my shell [yes, I do occasionally have one], I love them. Between the conversations and food, we ended up playing a game of Rummy 500. This side of the family is only recently reunited and we're still getting to know one another. It was so much fun as we played to see our personalities come out and see where we're alike...namely, our very vocal competitiveness. I'm happy to say that I'm not the only one that likes to gloat while playing cards! :)

It's hard to believe it's been 10 years since 9-11. In 2001 I was working at a dairy farm and we had just finished milking the cows when the radio [96.9] reported the first plane hitting one of the WTC towers. I remember hosing down the milking parlor platform when my co-worker told me a third plane had hit the Pentagon and I remember feeling numb and thinking, "we're under attack". I was sick that day, so I went home early and laid in bed [I had my own apartment] and listened to Dan Rather on the radio since I didn't have TV. I vaguely remember Rather apologizing for showing footage that contained closeups of those falling from the towers; everything was happening in real time and they hadn't previewed the videos first...I think in the moment you're so caught up with the horror of it and the numbness that it's hard to think through those possibilities. It wasn't like we were use to such horrifying acts of evil on American soil in such a public way. I remember hearing him report about the towers falling and I remember wishing I was back on a military base again where everyone around you knew how to fight and there was things in place like evacuation plans and bomb shelters. We didn't need it out in the country, of course, but I remember not feeling safe being 'off base'.

I was thinking today that even in the midst of a current struggle with a heart that has grown cold towards the gospel and my Saviour, I still know that He is my everything. I cannot live or breathe without Him and I don't want to, either. These days or weeks or sometimes even months when I am not affected by the Gospel and what He has done for me only last for so long before the soul becomes weary and dehydrated. Facing the memories of what happened to so many people ten years ago and hearing the frightened voices of callers stuck in the towers shreds apart my hesitation to repent and cry out to God. And I am overwhelmingly grateful that He has opened my eyes to the truth and my life is forever changed, no matter what this life brings me.

The Flood of 2011

2011-09-09T01:10:00.000-04:00

The Beautiful Cow by Bonnie Mohr

Well, we survived the Flood of 2011, as it's been dubbed, pretty well. We had some very minor flooding in the basement and our neighbor's driveway had a gully of gravel carted away from all the runoff, a lot of which came through our property from another house above us. We helped them shovel the gravel off the road and back into his driveway, which was a nice chance to visit and get to know our neighbors better. A fun side note: I was sitting in my ICD-9 class when it started back in July and was surprised to hear a familiar name behind me. Wondering if the person were related to my neighbor...I turned around to find that it WAS my neighbor! Neither of us had realized we were both going through the medical billing and coding program.

Ephrata has had quite a time with the flooding. State roads like 272 and 322 were shut down, people were stranded at work, homes were flooded [one collapsed] and even 222 was shutdown for awhile. Green Dragon flooded and will be closed on Friday. You can't get anywhere in this town without needing to cross a stream somewhere. On my way home from work the other night, I counted four bridges that I needed to cross [in a 15 minute drive]. Tonight I came home a different route, which is a little further out of my way but only involves crossing a stream once [in Hinkletown--I still don't know where that name came from].

Attitude is Everything by Bonnie Mohr
One of my favorites!

This is a strange season for me. I don't really remember feeling so restless and out of sorts in the Autumn...I always thought of that being a Spring thing when a person is excited about new beginnings, fresh starts, new growth, etc. But I have felt restless and frustrated with life for a couple of months now and it doesn't seem to be going anywhere. Most of it is just emotions and I know not to put much stock in it, not to mention the fact that I'm a daydreamer. My current pipe dream is to move back to Germany. I know I would never get up the courage, but I have fun thinking about it. The living in the city thing seems to be dying, so I guess this is the next thing. In some ways it seems harmless, in others it could be a rather obvious sign of discontentment. If nothing else, I'm sure it's confusing and annoying to those around me to always be hearing me wistfully talking about one idea or another. A little tip: unless you actually see me packing up my stuff and moving or I'm in someway moving towards a goal, assume I'm daydreaming out loud. I am really hoping this PT job works out...it will be a great distraction and a much needed time filler.

2011-09-03T14:54:00.000-04:00

Over the summer I decided I wanted to enjoy a little bit of early morning sunshine and I got into the habit of going to work later and coming home as the sun is coming up. The downside to that plan was waking up at 3, 4 or even 5 pm, which really messes with my head. After being on that kind of schedule too long, I start getting lazy and listless. I'm getting up when I feel like I should be gearing down. Then, in the last two weeks, between consuming caffeine and chocolate and having a whacky schedule, I started to find I couldn't fall asleep until noon or even 3 pm. Some days, I couldn't sleep more than 4 hours. When an opportunity for an additional PT opened up [which is still up in the air], I realized I could do it if I were more proactive about getting to work earlier and stop wasting so much time taking long breaks. That helped me get serious about avoiding the caffeine and pushing myself to get back on a better sleep schedule [which meant working some days on only four hours of sleep and not allowing myself naps in the hopes that I would be so exhausted, I'd come home and crash]. My new schedule is working well and I already feel better for it...body, mind and soul! Now I'm home by 1:30-2:00 a.m. and ready to crash, then up by 10:00 a.m. If I do get the PT job, I'll need to be up by 8:00 a.m., which shouldn't be a problem because there's still a little more room to get into work earlier. It'll be tight, but having the extra income for savings will be wonderful.

Yesterday I decided to have a cookie baking party [which isn't as much fun by yourself, but it worked] and mixed up snickerdoodles, oatmeal raisin and chocolate chip cookies. I learned the hard way it doesn't work as well when you're mixing the ingredients while talking on the phone [whereupon I substituted flour for Bisquick in the choco chip recipe]! But it was worth it getting to chat with my friend and have a good laugh. The picture to the left is the end result....a very flat and gooey concoction. There wasn't enough brown sugar for the oatmeal cookies, although that's not all bad, and so far I haven't gotten around to baking the snickerdoodles. Hopefully, they turned out better!

In closing, I thought I would add a picture of my grandparents, whom I am so thankful for and grateful to. Whenever you hear me mention about star gazing with grandad, getting wisdom from my grandmother or enjoying our annual Memorial Day breakfast at their house, this is the wonderful couple I'm referring to.

Tropical Storm Irene and other various musings.

2011-08-29T10:44:00.000-04:00

Well, we weathered Tropical Storm Irene quite nicely. Thankfully the high winds mostly hit the back of the house, which protected my flowers since they were on the front porch. Other than a few lost blossoms here or there, you can't even tell we got so much wind and rain. I don't think I'll have to water for a few days, particularly with these WONDERFUL cooler temperatures. I love this weather!

The Wanderers Come Home by Robert Duncan

The scramble to get the property ready was some what comical. I mowed the "hay field" out front and mom helped me rake grass afterwards while my dad got the rain spouts fixed. We made sure to take down bird feeders and garden flags and debated staking two young trees in the front yard, but heard from several sources that it wasn't necessary. That saved us a lot of time. By the time the first bands of rain from Irene arrived, we were finishing up clearing a ditch where rain water could collect and be carried to the swale, rather than flood our poor neighbor's driveway [where upon it washes out the gravel in his driveway]. I noted what a change in our family we've seen in the last couple of years. About 5-7 years ago, we were all digging on the opposite side of our property in another storm [also trying to improve the flow of excess rainwater] and we largely spent the time arguing and yelling at each other [I'm sorry to say I was the main culprit in this]. What a difference to be working together and not arguing and yelling at one another, or taking our frustration out on one another. We were good and soaked by the time we were done, but it was satisfying to be able to stay inside and not have to worry about water from our property flooding our neighbor. I have to admit, I kind of like working out in the rain. Most be all those memories of hiking in the rain in Germany. :)

Peaches by Bonnie Mohr

I am chomping at the bit for Autumn, which is weakening my resolve to just enjoy the day I'm currently living. :) At least one goal for this year is to be able to enjoy a campfire with friends. I love sitting around the warmth of the fire in mid to late October, chatting and enjoying the smell of wood burning. I love hiking in the woods in Autumn, too, but the last time I tried that my eyes and balance were overwhelmed by all the leaves. I'll have to try it again in smaller spades and see if my senses can take it. Money Rocks, in Narvon, Pa is my favorite place to go [a lookout], so I'll have to try there. You can make the hike as short or as long as you like.

A few closing memories: my brother and I getting called upstairs [from our rooms in the basement level of our apartment] in a way that made us think we were in big trouble, to find out dad grinning and pointing to the ice cream sundaes he had made for us. And one of my favorite memories...going hiking with my parents and brother and getting to hear all the stories about how cheap candy was in their childhood and how my mom would sneak off the school bus at a different stop so she could buy some.

Before rather than after...

2011-08-26T05:50:00.000-04:00

I always tend to blog about things after they happened, but today I decided to blog about Hurricane Irene before she comes, if she does. I'm praying she doesn't. I like a good storm myself, but there are those that could get hurt during the storm, not to mention the livelihoods of so many farmers. I remember when a tropical system came through back in 2003 and flattened the corn. And from what I can tell, right now the corn is just about at it's peak...I've already seen one or two farmers chopping. So for their sake, I hope the winds aren't too bad and the rivers don't swell over their banks too much so that folks that decide to drive through what they know they shouldn't won't get hurt. I pray we're all safe. And, silly as it may seem, I hope my thumbergia vines survive this, too! :)

Now for some after...the earthquake! I was sleeping at the time when it suddenly felt like someone was standing at the bottom of my bed and shaking everything. I was confused to see my headboard moving and then even more confused when I saw the mirror above my bureau moving. It was extremely disorienting and kind of freaky, too. I know, I know...all the California folks think I'm nuts. But since I haven't been further west than Provo, Utah, cut me some slack! :) That was my first experience with it and I'll be completely happy if I never experience a real one. On the flip side, it's kind of like the ocean. It's hard to fathom something so fierce that it can make the ground and world around you dance from hundreds of miles away. Think about it...something that happened in Virginia made my mirror in my bedroom in a rural area of Pennsylvania move.

And in my usual odd assortments of topics, I've decided this year not to listen to ANY Christmas music, which includes the instrumental stuff I typically enjoy year round, until after Thanksgiving. Normally I start to listen to Christmas music, well, now. Last year I noticed that by the time December actually rolled around, I couldn't enjoy the season because I was so sick of it. So instead I want to try and find ways to enjoy the current days and weather. So for today, I appreciate the unpredictability of the weather...one day it's summer, the next it feels like fall is approaching. I also love that we've been able to have the windows open [up until two days ago] and as of yet, there doesn't appear to be too many signs of STINK BUGS. Praise God!

Juniper Berries and memories...

2011-08-15T19:32:00.000-04:00

This past weekend my mom made schwenkbraten, which is essientially pork steaks marinated in a mix of ingredients that is wonderfully pungent and equally as tasty. Growing up, we would drive five minutes off base to a grocery store called Best Kauf's [which I assume translates into Best Buy] and buy the already seasoned pork steaks. Since that's too far of a trip these days, my mom found the most authentic recipe she could online and gave it a whirl. I don't remember anymore what it tastes like since it's been over 17 years since we moved, but the drooling sensation upon smelling the marinade sure seemed familiar.

The recipe includes thyme, oregano, black pepper, ground mustard, cayenne pepper, lots and lots of pulverized onions and juniper berries. Mom was a little surprised the recipe only called for 7 juniper berries until she crushed them and we realized how aromatic they were. For me, it was an instant trip back to my childhood. Juniper berries have a very pungent, woodsy smell that remind me of a forest of pine trees. I'm not sure if we use to crawl around in a juniper bush [are they bushes?] or what, but that's what it made me think of. I do remember one cluster of bushes near our high school on base that we use to 'sneak' around in. I say sneak, because living on a military base was pretty strict. We weren't allowed to climb trees and either we weren't allowed to play around in those bushes or we at least thought we weren't. I distinctly remember looking around for adults before "making a break for it" into the bushes where we sat around feeling daring and probably came up with some make believe game [and wondered who else came here given the trash from someone eating].

Another favorite place to play was on top of a military bunker near one of the playgrounds. We would truck all of our Barbie doll paraphernalia up there and have a blast for hours on end. When it was raining, which happened often in Germany, we would play in the stairwells of the buildings we lived in instead. I loved being able to play next to the big, thick windows where we could see out as we played. To this day, I still love rainy days, even the wet, miserably chilly days. I have always found it to be comforting and inviting, the same way a snowy day makes you thankul to have a warm and cozy home.

I don't know if this is the actual apartment I grew up in, but given
the location, it could be [minus all the decore]. We had a smaller
balcony but the trade off was having a basement and four
bedrooms!

Other childhood games included tag, freeze tag and man hunt. For the latter, we broke up into different 'armies' and one group was on the hunt while the others had to hide. We usually had pretty wide parimeters in which you could hide, including surrounding apartment buildings, though our apartments were off limits. I preferred to stay outside, where you had a better chance of running for it, but occasionally we would hide down in the basement of our apartment buildings where there were storage facilities, one 'cage' per apartment. If you were lucky, you could use the side exit to make a quick escape, but it tended to be locked most of the time. We also use to play "McDonald's", where we used an outside staircase as the drive through where we rode our bikes over and put in our "order".

So far, this trip down memory lane has sparked even more memories, but I'll end here for now. More to come. :)

Goin' for a drive...

2011-08-11T20:37:00.000-04:00

Enchanted Pastures by Bonnie Mohr

What is it about the approach of Autumn that makes a person fall in love with the countryside all over again? I always thought a person's favorite season should naturally be Spring, with all its glory after the long winter. But I have to say, Autumn is definitely my favorite. Maybe it's because it is the final fulfillment of months of hot, humid weather and rain and growth. The temperatures cool off, windows can be opened and there are flowers everywhere [whereas in the Spring, you're still waiting for most of your flowers to make their showing]. Then there's the anticipation of the changing of leaves, Autumn decorations of pumpkins, straw bales, mums, scarecrows, and Indian corn. I love watching the harvest crews and seeing fields of tall corn come down in hours, or days if it's the slower pace of the Amish.

I had to run an errand today to pay a bill and pick up milk. I completed the first and put off the second in favor of going for a drive. I use to do this all the time, but the gas prices kind of put a crimp in that favorite past time. Today, the peace of driving without distraction [and phone] made it worth the price of gas. One of the reasons I love driving around is to be able and enjoy all the different styles of homes, gardens and of course, to drink in the farm scenery and rolling hills of Lancaster County. I like to imagine what evenings would be like sitting on a particular porch, or the feel of lush grass on bare feet with all the pretty flower beds to pass by. To imagine the feeling of sitting in a patch of shade where a lawn chair is conveniently situated and be cooled by the evening air. It's also a great way to gather ideas for the kind of home I hope to eventually invest in [that's the 5-10 year goal].

Season's Pickin's by Bonnie Mohr

On my drive today, I decided to make a trip to my favorite orchard for a bushel of peaches. It's time to start freezing them for this winter. I also got half a dozen of sweet corn for dinner. I enjoyed a visit with my grandparents after that and was delighted to see they had their windows open. Nothing is better than visiting with your grandparents in the cool of evening with windows up and the air flowing in.

After my visit, I was driving to the grocery store for ice cream when I saw two of the cutest kids jumping up and down and frantically pointing to a sign. It wasn't until after I drove past I realized they must be trying to sell the last of their eggs they had placed at the end of their farm lane. They were too cute to resist, so I made a u-turn and bought two dozen. Now I'm home again and after making dinner, I think I'm going to go enjoy a bowl of vanilla ice cream topped with fresh peaches.

A friend sent me an email today that is pretty timely for me. Here is the excerpt sent from Charles Spurgeon's Morning and Evening:
"When the very soul thus waits [upon the Lord with joyful expectation and prayer and content], it is in the best and truest condition of a creature before his Creator, a servant before his Master, a child before his Father...though we see no sign of it as yet, we are satisfied to bide the Lord's will, for we have no suspicion of His love and faithfulness. He will make sure work of it before long, and we will praise Him at once for the coming mercy."

**The paintings are by Bonnie Mohr who is, hands down, my favorite artist. Robert Duncan comes in at a close second.

2011-08-10T23:09:00.000-04:00

About eight years ago, I was totally against the idea of having a cell phone. I caved after enviously watching my co-workers on their handy-dandy Nextel phones...I wanted a phone that chirped every time I hit the two-way talk button! :) So entered my dependence of the cell phone.

I tend to be pretty behind on new technology. I doubt I'll ever get an iPad, or at least not until they become super cheap. Ha ha. I wasn't sure about this whole smart phone business, but then as I checked out my mom's iPhone, I started to cave. My dad eventually upgraded my mom's phone to the iPhone 3s and offered me her old one, the iPhone 3. I reluctantly turned it down, at least until next year when I [Lord willing] have a better paying job. In the end, my dad kindly decided to pay the data plan fee himself for me because he felt better with me having access to a map, especially as I'm driving in cities I'm not familiar with [HACC classes].

I have to say, I'm rather a fan of this whole smart phone thing now. Some of it's convenience, because it's nice having so many things all in one place. I think I'm finally detoxing from my Angry Birds addiction [apparently all the jokes about it weren't jokes after all], at least until they come out with newer levels...

Probably my most favorite feature is being able to have the ESV Bible app on the phone, as well as Charles Spurgeon's Morning and Evening. Nothing will ever replace the smell and feel of a book, or the sound of the tissue thin papers of a Bible as you turn the pages, but it is rather convenient to be able to highlight and write notes without cramming up the margins. I also am excited about an app that I downloaded from GotQuestions?, a feature that allows you to search through their index about questions regarding the Bible [ie., 'Can a Christian lose their salvation?].

On the other hand, it's sobering, too. Unless you put a screen lock on your phone, anyone can easily get into your email and whatever else you have on your phone. With every advancement of technology, there are drawbacks. But at this point, I can see this as being a handy way to stay more organized and travel more compactly. Oh yeah, and it's got a great map feature, too. ;)

2011-08-10T06:23:00.000-04:00

"Starry Night" by Alex Ruiz

I remember looking up at the sky when we lived in south Florida and seeing thousands upon thousands of stars. Living just outside the everglades must have had its perks because since then, I have yet to see a sky quite so breathtakingly cluttered.

I love gazing up at the nighttime sky. I think I've forgotten that in the daily grind of working night shift. Occasionally, I'll come home early enough for it to still be dark and remember to take the time and look up. I particularly love to linger around outside when it's just cold enough for there to be frost and there's not a cloud in sight. The world is absolutely silent. It's the kind of silence that makes me think of the verse, "I tell you, if these were silent, the very stones would cry out." [Luke 19:40] Even the silence worships and glorifies Him.

When I lived with my grandparents during my freshman year of high school, my grandfather and I would go out onto their back deck, each wrapped up in blankets and sipping a mug of hot chocolate while we watched meteor showers. I also remember my mom and I dragging blankets out onto our front deck where we live now and lying on our backs and gazing up, just taking it all in. I get overwhelmed with God's magnificence and am always deeply touched by His love for me when I take time to soak up the wonder of His creation. It's a peaceful moment.

Working around farms and being there at night is another special storehouse of memories for me. When I milked at nights, I always ended my shift with a trip up to the maternity barn. I always found it soothing and welcoming to enter a barn full of animals, yet so silent that the only audible sound was the slight rustling of straw and the munching of hay. Normally there wasn't much to report, but I do remember once sitting on the stone wall and watching as a cow gave birth. I watched for a few minutes, then jumped down into the pen to remove the placenta from around the calf's nose so it would be able to breathe. It's hard to beat moments like that. Similarly, I loved doing 'nightchecks' when I stayed for a month at a horse farm while they were in between barn managers. My main job was to walk through the barn at night and make sure all stall doors were locked and everyone had finished their feed and were working on their hay [an animal being off their feed is the first sign that they're not feeling well]. I think those moments are often what made it so difficult to leave the agricultrural world behind.

Lord willing, I have a year or less left of working nightshift. While I don't care to prolong the sense of isolation for one day more than necessary, I hope I remember over the next year to take a moment and appreciate something about working nights that I wouldn't get to experience on dayshift. As I've learned from previous jobs, those are memories I can carry with me and thank God for.

"All is Calm" by Bonnie Mohr

2011-08-08T18:52:00.001-04:00

I think [strong emphasis on the think] that I am finally done with facebook. And for the dozens of tiny reasons I have, the main one is that FB allows a person to spread themselves too thin in regards to relationships. It probably doesn't affect everyone the same, if at all, but I find that I try to keep up with too many people. So it boils down to deleting my facebook account and making more time for the relationships God has for me in this season of my life, rather than trying to keep up with so many people. I think of facebook being akin to the credit card. A person may have a credit card on hand [which isn't necessarily a bad thing] in case there are any emergencies...like paying for that busted water heater. Another person will forgo having a credit card and watch to see how God is going to provide for any given emergency. It doesn't mean the person with the credit card isn't trusting God, but two people will see the situation differently. Facebook is the same for me. Those relationships that survive outside of facebook, I want to dive into more. And for those that we don't keep in touch as regularly, I want to be expectant and watch how God brings them back into my lives. Maybe it will be a chance encounter, or hearing from another friend how a mutual acquaintance is doing. Emotionally and mentally speaking, I find that if I'm spread too thin, I start to feel overwhelmed. And I've felt stressed out and overwhelmed with facebook for awhile now because I try to keep up with everyone.

This has been a difficult season in regards to my job and going to school. It's very isolating working by yourself at night. It's been over two and a half years of a schedule and an environment that is contradictory to my personality. I'm thankful for my job and I'm still thankful for the opportunities it's given me to think and work through things as I'm doing my job. Some months are harder than others, and this is one of them.

On a side note, we've been saying for awhile now that Sadie Mae [rat terrier] is aging quickly on us. Her mind seems a bit addled, and we think she may still be having seizures, though it's not been in front of us. My vet assured me a few years ago that if she is indeed having them, it won't do much good medicating her and they will become more frequent as she ages. Recently, I've noticed Bailey [cat] yowling at her and taking swipes [for which he is scolded]. It's not unusual in the animal kingdom for the healthier animals to turn on the one that is aging and/or dying. I don't think Sadie is nearing the latter, but she's definitely aging. It will be good to see what the vet thinks this fall when she goes in for her vaccinations and physical.

2011-08-04T06:02:00.000-04:00

Great article, 'nuff said.

http://www.ccef.org/do-biblical-counselors-give-emotions-bad-name

company picnic

2011-08-01T16:23:00.000-04:00

A week ago this past Friday, I got to head down to Indian River in Delaware for a weekend of fun. My boss likes to take everyone down there every summer for our company picnic. We headed out on his boat [we had to make two trips since it sits 10 and we had more than that] to a beach where the only access is by boat [Indian River Bay]. It was really hot that week, so most of us stayed in the water. We tossed a football around for awhile [I perfected the art of football tossing while seaweed dancing--which just means I screamed alot and jumped around trying to avoid seaweed and other things that might pinch] and some folks took their turn on the jetski. I rode that a couple of years ago with my dad and that was enough for me. It's very difficult to hang on to. I'll just watch, thank you very much. :) A bunch of us piled into the boat and cheered each other on while waterskiing and waterboarding [since I don't do either, I became the official camera lady]. Hands down, I most enjoyed diving into the bay away from the beach where there wasn't any seaweed and there were cooler pockets of water thanks to it being 6 feet deep. I looooove water! I'm more use to fresh water, though, so it's always a bit of a shocker when I first taste that salt water. :)

My parents and I [we work for the same company] ended up staying until Sunday morning. The plan had been to drive home Saturday, but my dad had come down on his motorcycle and Saturday was too hot to ride it. It was a nice chance to catch up with my aunt [who also works for the same company] and my uncle [who owns the company]. With my dad, they make up three of their four siblings. We headed out on the boat Saturday to pack up everything at the beach and got another chance to head into the water. My mom and I drifted with the tide and had a great chance to have a mother/daughter chat while my dad and his brother drifted around in the boat and chatted. Later that evening, it was just my parents and I left at the house down there and we headed out to dinner [Applebees] and drove around some checking out the local towns. It was a really great chance to chat with my dad, too. Wonderful time!
**picture is not mine

2011-07-21T07:18:00.000-04:00

Recently I was made aware of a site on FB that gets its kicks by posting 'funny' pictures of folks in and around Lancaster County. I guess the idea is to guess what's up...or just plain poke fun at someone else's expense. I was made aware of this site because someone had posted two pictures of our home, asking people to guess why we have a substantial amount of cars parked there. I have to admit, this hit me pretty strongly. First and foremost, it felt like a gross invasion of privacy, particularly after one or two commenters mentioned they drive past our home all the time. The guesses were a bit aggravating, too, but were also somewhat comical if I could set my anger aside [because of the stereotype of double wides--which we've happily lived in for over 10 years, the guess of running a methlab was most popular]. However, I can't get past the infringement of our privacy. I've asked them to take the picture down, but I'm not expected much given the other kinds of photos that are posted. I think the people running the site genuinely don't care.

I know I'm over reacting to all of this. I have a temper and I get ticked off first and don't remember to ask how God would have me approach this situation until much later. I think of all the reasons why they should know better and why it's not funny [like the comment one FB user dropped--jokingly--suggesting they should loot our home]. I also realize a lot of my anger is because I don't appreciate our home being stereotyped and belittled on a public venue where I have no control over any of it. It would have been different if I had chosen to post a picture of my home on that site, but I didn't. This experience is showing me how much I lack extending grace to others in a situation that is akin to nails on a chalkboard to my sense of right and wrong. Perhaps the hardest part is knowing that God would call me to extend grace to these people, whether the picture is taken down or not. In this case, I would equate that to swallowing my pride and simply ignore the site.

At the same time, I have to admit this hammers another nail in facebook's coffin. I'm beginning to think I don't have the 'personality' for online social sites. I keep finding that I am easily overwhelmed with trying to keep up with too many folks, which is entirely my own fault. And I overreact when I find my family's home on a site where we gave no permission for it to be there. So begins another process of deciding whether or not I'm cut out for the world of FB...I asked my mom, who's been off for over 4 months now what she thought. She misses some aspects [keeping up with family more easily], but has enjoyed the freedom of being off.

Farther Along

2011-07-17T00:10:00.001-04:00

Farther along we'll know all about it
Farther along we'll understand why
So, cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine
We'll understand this, all by and by

Tempted and tried, I wondered why
The good man died, the bad man thrives
And Jesus cries because he loves 'em both
We're all cast-aways in need of rope
Hangin' on by the last threads of our hope
In a house of mirrors full of smoke
Confusing illusions I've seen

Where did I go wrong, I sang along
To every chorus of the song
That the devil wrote like a piper at the gates
Leading mice and men down to their fates
But some will courageously escape
The seductive voice with a heart of faith
While walkin' that line back home

So much more to life than we've been told
It's full of beauty that will unfold
And shine like you struck gold my wayward son
That deadweight burden weighs a ton
Go down into the river and let it run
Wash away all the things you've done
Forgiveness alright

Farther along we'll know all about it
Farther along we'll understand why
So, cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine
We'll understand this, all by and by

Still I get hard pressed on every side
Between the rock and a compromise
Like the truth and pack of lies fightin' for my soul
And I've got no place left go
'Cause I got changed by what I've been shown
More glory than the world has known
Keeps me ramblin' on

Skipping like a calf loosed from its stall
I'm free to love once and for all
And even when I fall I'll get back up
For the joy that overflows my cup
Heaven filled me with more than enough
Broke down my levees and my bluffs
Let the flood wash me

And one day when the sky rolls back on us
Some rejoice and the others fuss
'Cause every knee must bow and tongue confess
That the Son of God is forever blessed
His is the kingdom, we're the guests
So put your voice up to the test
Sing Lord, come soon

Farther along we'll know all about it
Farther along we'll understand why
So, cheer up my brothers, live in the sunshine
We'll understand this, all by and by

~Josh Garrels~

Listen here

2011-07-15T06:26:00.001-04:00

One of the best parts about living in Lancaster County has to be the never ending supply of roadside stands. If you don't like the looks of the produce at one stop, just drive a couple of miles down the road to the next stand and you're all set. Although I learned the hard way not to waste time driving around for better prices...they're usually within 25-50 cents of each other.

Yesterday my mom and I stopped at an old customer's farm [formerly a customer, whom I'm sure I've mentioned in this blog before]. Martha is the sweetest woman. She and her husband's farm had been one of my favorite stops, partly because they were such hassle-free customers, partly because they were so nice...and partly because they spoiled me so much! They once sent me home with a dozen ears of sweet corn because I had to wait 10 minutes or so as they rounded up the heifer that had escaped from the barn. On a hot day, it wasn't unusual for Martha to send me on my way with slices of fresh cut watermelon, although that wasn't out of character for many of my other Amish customers as well. Last time I visited, she sent me home with a pound or two of farm raised hamburger, a whole chicken and several packs of frozen sweet corn.

As I was saying, we stopped at Martha's in the hopes that she would have some organic sweet corn, but it wasn't ready yet. I settled instead for a dozen tomatoes [though I had to insist on paying b/c she was going to give them to me] and a short visit. Next, we headed for a stand that I enjoy stopping at when I'm in the area. It's run by the most cheerful Mennonite woman I have ever met. I was delighted to find their nectarines and peaches were already in season, so I got a quart sized box of both white nectarines and peaches. If you've never had white peaches, you should try them! I find they're sweeter. I also got our sweet corn for dinner and was longingly eyeing the blueberries, but they're a little too pricey for me this year. Maybe I'll find the price has dropped when I go to Green Dragon later today.

A downside of the night shift is the constant sensation of being isolated and the feeling that I'm two steps away from turning into a zombie. :) I'm not fond of the hours, but I don't hate them [anymore]. However, I do find myself kind of 'putting off' life. I can't fully explain it, but it's partly due to my preference for getting up in the morning and "hopping to it". I love the quietness of mornings that give way to busyness. Though I don't work a lot of hours in the week, having them stretched out to 6 days isn't my favorite thing. I didn't mind it when I worked in the dairy industry [for the most part], but when it's night shift and there isn't anyone to interact with for the majority of my day and night, it takes it's toll on one's sanity. So I think I kind of put my head down and bulldozed forward in life, so to speak. I'm determined to get through this season and I keep reminding myself there is light at the end of the tunnel [which can't come too soon]. Rather than focus on how much time is left, I try to just focus on the goal and task at hand. But somehow that's also resulted in my not enjoying or paying much attention to life in general, what flowers are blooming next, nice weather, bad weather, the changing of seasons, etc. I hope that when the goal is accomplished and I'm in a new job and working day shift, I take many moments to stop, reflect over the last few years and thank God for where I'm at and for helping me through it all. And I hope I appreciate the sensation of driving to work in the morning with all the other crazy drivers out there, listening to a morning talk show [live!] and enjoy being in the buzz of life again. I hope I hope I look back on the isolation of night shift with a fondness something akin to , "good riddance". :) Woe to the non-morning person working with me, though. :)

Josh Garrels

2011-07-14T07:38:00.000-04:00

I recently heard about a 'new' [new to me] artist, Josh Garrels through another blog. Garrels latest album was being offered for free on noisetrade.org [it may still be, I'm not sure], so I decided to download it. Listening to my iPod for 5+ hours a day means I get bored pretty quickly with my music...and being on a budget now means I needed to cut back on how often I was buying music. That makes me even more grateful for artists that occasionally release their album for a free download through noisetrade.

Anyway, I'm completely addicted to this album now. It's called, Love and War and the Sea In Between. Here's a sample of the lyrics from Garrels song, Pilot Me.

Pilot Me

I will arise and follow you over
Savior please, pilot me

Over the waves and through every sorrow
Savior please, pilot me

When I have no more strength left to follow
Fall on my knees, pilot me

May your sun rise and lead me on
Over the sea’s, savior pilot me

O’ Lord

2011-07-12T16:20:00.000-04:00

Well, I stepped on the scale today and I'm 4 pounds shy of being where I was a few months ago. I think I've posted multiple blog entries by now, each a kind of digital promise to myself that I was back on the wagon for sure. I had mended my ways and seen the light! This time, I'll just say that my hope and plan is to be fully back on track by Friday [grocery shopping day], but regardless, I am in desperate need of God's mercy, which I somehow often fail to see until moments like these. While losing weight wasn't my main goal [I don't feel well when I eat processed foods and refined flours and sugars], I was definitely enjoying the side benefit of it.

My dizziness has gotten much worse in the last month or two. As pointed out by others, the timeline coincides with when I started eating bread and sugar [namely ice cream again]. I can't remember if I posted on this already, so this may just be a do over! :) Anyway, I'm hoping that's all it is. It's been a long time that I couldn't chop vegetables or cook something on the stove without feeling like I'm riding ocean waves at the same time. I'm not use to it anymore, that's for sure. A few weeks ago it was so bad that I had to 'hug' the counter with my legs and stomach. The more I had touching something sturdy and stable like the counter, the better I could manage the dizziness. Standing amongst a crowd is really difficult again, too. Way too much visual stimulation and my brain can't keep up with balancing and taking in everything around me. One of my favorite things to do in the Autumn is enjoy the woods, so I would love it if this clears up by then. While I find the color leaves scattered everywhere beautiful and inviting, my eyes and inner ear don't quite agree. It's like trying to walk through a kaleidoscope.

My neuropathy is also starting to get worse, though nothing like what a few of my relatives go through. It's just becoming more noticeable, which is my theory as to why the dizziness is suddenly worse [though the diet still fits as the culprit, because both became worse about the time I started eating all that junk again]. I first noticed it when I was standing in front of a box fan and couldn't feel the air flow on my legs [knees down]. Then I noticed a substantially numb spot on my foot [feels like someone shot it up with Novocaine]. I have to admit, this is causing me some feelings of anxiety. When I visited my neurologist a couple of years ago, he informed me that if I do indeed have vestibular damage and neuropathy together, I could have some major issues. The vestibular [inner ear] system is the body's main source of balance, but the feet and eyes are also part of God's design. When a person's vestibular system is compromised, the eyes and feet became the main source of balance. That's why I often struggle with brain fatigue. Balancing is no longer an automatic thing and the brain has some extra work cut out for it. It becomes something the brain has to think about. So if my feet do continue to become numb, that leaves my eyes. I try not to over think what this all means, because it's overwhelming. I had filed it away for something to deal with in another 10-20 years, which is why I became anxious when I realized this could all happen much, much earlier than I had anticipated.

It's not so much that I don't believe God will provide for me, as much as worrying if I'll like the way He does it. :) I don't think I'll end up homeless, but I do worry I'll be forgotten. What if I end up stuck in an apartment scraping by on social security by the time I'm 50? I realize now how easily you can take your independence for granted. At times like these, I wonder why God created me. It baffles me. What was the purpose of it all if it comes down to not even being able to walk through a store or drive a car or work? It's an ugly look into the window of my heart. Do I only see someone's life as being of value if they are able to do 'normal' every day functions, or, if like Joni Eareckson Tada they've excelled beyond every limit their body has given them? What if Joni had never done the things God has given her to accomplish with her life, despite being a quadriplegic? Would her life have glorified God any less? In my small mind, I admit my answer would be yes. Applying these thoughts to someone else's life is sobering and I can see the ugliness of it. But if I'm questioning that same thing in my own life, isn't is just as ugly? After all, the real issue is that I'm doubting God's ability to create and manage life, and I'm doubting His good purpose. Or perhaps, the real issue is that I won't be able to glorify myself if things progress the way I fear they will. If my daily routine gets whittled down to being exhausted just doing house work and I need someone to do my grocery shopping for me, what then? I might question how I could possibly glorify God with my life in that state, but I believe the real quesiton I would be asking is how can I possibly show how great I [think] I am if I can't perform those basic things. Moses is a great example for me in moments like these. God didn't use Moses until after he'd been stripped of his confidence in himself. Only then could Moses' life get down to the business of glorifying God. Lord willing my health won't progress down the road that is medically 'obvious', and God won't need to go to that distance for my life to grorify Him, but if that is how things unfold, I pray I am aware that if my body is drawing breath, He has a plan for me and it's to reflect His goodness and faithfulness.
"Israel saw the great power that the Lord used against the Egyptians, so the people feared the Lord, and they believed in the Lord..." Exodus 14:31

God Moves in a Mysterious Way...

2011-07-11T22:54:00.005-04:00

God Moves in a Mysterious Way

God moves in a mysterious way

His wonders to perform;

He plants His footsteps in the sea

And rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines

Of never failing skill

He treasures up His bright designs

And works His sovereign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;

The clouds ye so much dread

Are big with mercy and shall break

In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,

But trust Him for His grace;

Behind a frowning providence

He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,

Unfolding every hour;

The bud may have a bitter taste,

But sweet will be the flower.

Blind unbelief is sure to err

And scan His work in vain;

God is His own interpreter;

And He will make it plain.

~William Cowper~

2011-07-08T18:22:00.002-04:00

"Even when doing so would be a wise step, financially speaking, many single women will not purchase a home lest eligible men view them as too independent. Also in their thinking is the fear that after committing to such a major purchase, they might meet a man and thus be saddled with a cumbersome financial responsibility...single women put a lot of things on hold because they are afraid that investing in or committing to or being associated with them might keep them locked in the single life...when the obstacle isn't financial, why don't more domestically minded single women do the same thing [invest in furnishings and kitchenware if that is their natural bent]? It is because they are waiting for the bridal shower. Somehow they imagine that venturing forth solo into domesticity as maneuvering into sacred marital territory, a mindset that leaves them feeling left out of the good life. These women also hold back for fear that venturing out will more firmly entrench them in singleness...But the truth is that we will begin to embrace life fully only when we realize that life doesn't begin when we meet our man--this is our life! It is passing by. Do we want to look back ten, twenty or thirty years from now and realize that we have failed to serve God and have accomplished few of our goals, or worse yet, never set any goals because our only one was meeting the right man? I've known a few women like that, and they are bitter. They refused to see and lay hold of the happiness God was holding out in his design for them because they were set on only one way to happiness...We have been entrusted with talents, and we have a responsibility to possess them and make something beautiful from them. We need to view our singleness as one of the talents God has given us. We can invest it by maximizing the advantages to be found in it, or, like the unprofitable servant, we can bury it in the ground because we are afraid and because we believe God to be a 'hard man' for giving us 'only' singleness. "

~Lydia Brownback~ Excerpts from Fine China is for Single Women Too

2011-07-04T16:17:00.009-04:00

Be still and know that He is God

Be still and know that He is holy

Be still oh restless soul of mine

Bow before the prince of peace

Let the noise and clamor cease

Be still and know that He is God

Be still and know that He is faithful

Consider all that He has done

Stand in awe and be amazed

And know that He will never change

Be still

~Stephen Curtis Chapman~

Have you ever had that persistent, nagging feeling that you're talking too much? That no matter how much you mean to have good intentions of shutting up, you always seem to have something to say, an opinion, advice, or you're spouting off something you read on CNN that barely fits the current conversation of those around you. Your mouth is suddenly on auto-pilot and you can't get it to shut up. After awhile, you start to realize those moments become more about wanting to talk and less about caring for the ones you're talking to. There isn't much substance to what you're saying, yet you trample over people to be able to say it.

I've had that feeling for a pretty long while now, and while I had good intentions to not keep spouting off when around friends and family, I still keep doing it. I'm a talker. I remember weird details and my social skills can be akin to caveman status when it comes to knowing when to share that weird story from CNN and when to shut up. Lately, I've started asking people, "were you offended when I said or asked that, because I'm honestly not sure if that was okay or not".

While going over the last few chapters of A Praying Life with friends yesterday, I realized--or remembered--what the root of my probem is. I like talking and I especially like talking about me. I'm self-centered, self-focused and self-absorbed. And my so-called attempts to curb all that talking was more about trying to avoid looking like a loose-lipped fool and less about caring for those around me. Here are two short sentences Paul E. Miller shares where he's journaling areas that he needs to grow in:

--Ask questions about the other person.

--Wait on explaining yourself.

While those reminders for Miller were more about conflict, for me, it was a reminder of how I want to be interacting with people. There was a time when I was more aware of my sinful default mode of constantly trying to dominate conversations. I was aware of my need for grace to be more purposeful in my conversations and put others before myself. So while I might say I just have a hard time figuring out if I'm too open or share weird details about stuff no one really cares about, the truth is that I'm self-absorbed. Chapman's song quoted above, Be Still, kept circling around in my head over the last week or two. Be still, oh restless soul of mine. Let the noise and clamor cease. Be still and know that He is God. I always took that song to be more about times of anxiety, but it's also a reminder to be quiet in spirit and listen to both God and others around me, and to have the same heart for them that He does for all of us.

2011-07-01T18:00:00.003-04:00

I recently heard that two friends landed new jobs [after months and/or over a year of looking]. Between that and Ephrata slowly starting to build new businesses again, it makes me hopeful that maybe, just maybe the economy is starting to shift. I hope. I remember when the recession kicked in a few years ago. Ephrata was suppose to be getting a new emergency care facility through LGH, a Home Depot, and supposedly a new strip mall with a Giant, several big chain restaurants, etc. In fact, the Home Depot construction had already begun on 272 [near Dutch Lanes Bowling] with excavating when they recession hit. They stopped that project and the last I've noticed, it's still an empty lot.

But I think some things have changed, and maybe not for the bad. I'm certainly more aware of financial matters now, and although that has more to do with God's mercy in changing my heart in that area, I think the economic state also sobered me up. I don't anticipate being able to live on my own when I'm able to move out, and even if I can afford it, it seems like a waste of money in some ways. I'd rather be able to rent a nicer place, but split the rent between one or more other women and put the money towards something else. Particularly if it meant being able to rent a house, rather than an apartment. Then I could have my flowers and green grass! :)

On another tangent, I'm headed out shortly to celebrate with my cousin and aunt. My cousin was in a bad accident almost 10 years ago and has slowly been regaining some of her independence. Last week she completed a huge mile marker by passing her driver's test! I remember getting the call in December of '01. It was early enough in the morning that you knew it was going to be bad news, and at the time, they didn't think she was going to make it. I'm so thankful God has preserved her life and now we get to celebrate this new season for her!

2011-06-30T06:39:00.008-04:00

This past Monday I finished my medical terminology class, which is my fourth course completed out of about eight or nine [I keep forgetting the official number]. If things keep flowing as they have been, I should be done by March or April of 2012! Next week I start Introduction to ICD-9 Coding. I'll be at a difference campus this time, which is right in the city and I hear parking is a nightmare. So I'm praying that God will provide a parking space! :)

I borrowed the book Fine China is For Single Women, Too. After talking about it in the last post, I decided now would be a great time to read it. My other current read is The Greener Grass Conspiracy by Stephen Altrogge. Noticing a trend here? Ahhh, to be more like Paul and be content in any season of life.

I think I finally have the motivation to get back to eating the way I had been last month. Feeling like crap will do that to you. :) I didn't completely veer away from it, but I've been eating ice cream and bread fairly often and I'm definitely not feeling good. So it's time to get off the sugar again and cut out the bread carbs. Withdrawal cravings, here I come. :)

2011-06-25T21:37:00.004-04:00

Although I've never read the book [yet] Fine China is For Single Women, Too by Lydia Brownback, I love the idea behind it. From hearing others talk about it, I understand the essential idea behind the book is to not treat singleness as being in a holding pattern. Kind of that idea that life doesn't start until you're married. Somehow, I tied in having things like nice chinaware, my own kitchen-Aid mixer, etc., as also being something that got put off until after marriage. Then again, the book reminds us that single women can partake in hospitality, too. It was rather earth shattering for me [and a relief]. No one had ever told me I shouldn't have my own set of china or the same furniture I'd chose if I were setting up house in a marriage, I just assumed it was one of those things that had to wait until one got married. Of course, there's also a point of common sense...if I can't afford it, then all of this is a non-issue.

About a year ago my mom got herself a set of china at an auction that was sturdier than the original set she had gotten [Nippon, which is thin enough you can see light through the bottom of a tea cup]. I commented how much I liked it and she asked me if I wanted it. I think she was delighted to see me show an interest in more 'frilly' things, as well as share an interest in chinaware. And shocker of all shockers, we actually like the same type of pattern! So, she said when I moved out, that pattern would go with me. Today, she went to an auction [another interest we share, though I typically don't go unless I need something] to buy the same set so that I had enough. Yes, I am blessed.

As it turns out, it's pretty much the same pattern except for one small difference in a flower. The two pictures posted above are the different sets, though I don't think they're big enough to tell. Being an eclectic sort like my grandfather, I actually prefer that they don't match exactly. It will be fun to have company over someday [in my very own apartment] and see if they notice the difference. :)

Last night I let the dogs out and took some time to stare up at the stars. I love those moments when your soul is quiet enough to listen and thank God for His creation around you. Those are always some of my most poignant moments with Him and they only happen every few years. I remember house sitting for a friend [with horses] years ago and going out to do the 'night check' and make sure the horses were settled for the night. I was going to go into the house, but instead felt a pull to head up the hill and spend some time admiring the night sky. I sat on a barrel in my friend's arena [she use to compete in barrel racing professionally] and had the sensation that God was reminding me that I was His daughter and He delighted in me. What a sweet moment.

Last night was more a time of crying out to Him, pleading for dreams, and yet submitting to Him as well. There was also a sense of loving this life, but wishing I could be up there with Him, too. Since reading Randy Alcorn's book, Heaven, I find myself more often longing for that Place and Person I was made for than I use to. Months will go in between moments of longing, but there is that part of me with the wild imagination and sense of wonder that longs to see Him face to face and to satisfy that longing of something I can't fathom, something currently out of my scope of imagination and eyesight, but longed for just the same. I wonder what His creation "up there" looks like. I bet it's indescribably breathtaking.

Sometimes those longings come from the weariness of living in fallen world and having to deal with things like sickness [myself or others], my sin, sins of others, etc. My future in this life on earth is uncertain, and sometimes that can be scary [sometimes it's adventurous]. It's not uncertain in the way that I worry about whether or not I'll have a place to sleep and food to eat, so much as I worry what that will look like. I heard a quote recently that said something to the affect of, "Don't let worry about the future steal the beauty of today." That's a rough translation, but it's a good reminder to enjoy and praise God for His provision and goodness today and leave the future to Him.

2011-06-15T19:04:00.006-04:00

I want to be like you Jesus

To walk in all your holy ways

No matter what you ask me Jesus

I am willing to obey.

Set my face as flint before you now

My life I recommit here as I bow

I love it when you gently kiss my brow

and whisper it's alright.

I will seve you

I will bow

I will put all my hope in you.

Written above are the lyrics to Rita Springer's song, 'Like You Jesus' off her album, 'A Fragrant Offering' [you can go to her website, http://www.ritaspringer.com/ to find out more]. I was listening to this song on the way to my grandparents earlier today and the words kind of hit me anew. I remember singing this song over and over five or six years ago when I was needing to lay down something in my life. It was a time of confession, repentance and a turning away.

This time I find the song hits me from a different angle...or maybe similar, but at a different level. While at work last night, I was musing over this season of "waiting" as a single. Not waiting in the sense that I'm a bump on a log and wasting valuable time, but as Carolyn McCulley calls it, "Trusting God [living] with a hope deferred". It strikes me as ironic now that a few posts ago, I was complaining about the difficulty of being a single woman and having to 'wait'. A good friend recently reminded me that I am learning to submit myself to God through submitting my singleness to Him. It is a valuable lesson to learn now, as a single, because it is also part of a healthy marriage. If I think submitting my will to a Sovereign God that has even the smallest detail under control and is omniscient is difficult, what do I think will be easy about following the leadership of a husband that, like me, is fallible and a sinner? With God, I can pretend to think that I would do a better job [and I'd be fooling myself of course], but with a husband, there may honestly be some things I'm able to make a wiser decision about. Nonetheless, part of following the leadership of a husband is to support his final decision in a matter. To submit my preference or desire in a particular situation to the avenue my husband has decided to take, even if I think I know a better solution. There is nothing easy about that.

I was reading in Elisabeth Elliot's book, 'The Music of His Promises' earlier and found this excellent excerpt:

"To the unbeliever, the notion of 'trust' in God is a challenge to Him to grant what one wants...Real trust yields utterly to the one trusted. All
desire is turned over to that one, believing his ability to manage, control, and
finally to accomplish what is best. When we pray, we should beware lest we line
ourselves up with the mockers of Jesus--'If You do such and such, then
I will trust You!' We need to learn rather to let God rescue us in His own way.
It may not be escape from suffering, but death--followed by so much more
glorious a rescue--resurrection! Lord, teach me this trust."

This paragraph is an excellent reminder to myself as I enter into a new season of being honest with God about my desires [marriage, my own place, a dayshift job, etc.] and ask myself if I'm testing God. Are my prayers an acknowledgement of my dependence on Him for what I need [or want], or are they manipulative and questioning of His goodness? I resonate with Springer's lyrics, "I love it when You gently kiss my brow". I picture myself coming before God with open hands, sharing my hopes with Him and the disappointment I have because prayers appear to have gone unanswered, and Him lovingly comforting me in response. He is a God I can trust, and His best won't always look the way I envisioned.

"Submit yourselves therefore to God...Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you." James 4:7a-8

My first apartment...

2011-06-14T21:32:00.007-04:00

In August of 2000, I moved in to my first 'apartment'. It was a single wide trailer [circa 1960s] and it cost me $375 a month. It had two bedrooms, although the one was small and had the least amount of light, so I didn't use it much. The main bedroom was fairly spacious [for a trailer] and the entire end wall had huge windows that cranked open. There was a shelf/table that ran the length of the wall and it might have had built in drawers there...I can't remember anymore.

There were multiple things I loved about this trailer and very little that I didn't. When I listen to Michelle Tumes album, Listen, I am flooded with memories of that trailer [all of them good]. I listened to that album nonstop when I moved in [after the 4th or 5th time, I don't think my mom was enjoying it quite so much as she helped me unpack]. The trailer sat on a road above Route 41 in Gap. I think it was called Chestnut street. The road was very quiet with few cars going by, although the traffic along Route 41 took awhile getting use to. A large shade tree spread out over the trailer and kept it cool. Between that tree and the many, many windows the trailer sported, I didn't have, need or want air conditioning. The windows were slatted and they cranked open [outward], which I preferred because it gave a better breeze. My kitchen had at least 2 large windows, and although it was small, it was cozy. Even the bathroom had a lot going for it...it was spacious, it had windows that you could crank open but were positioned to preserve privacy, and the shower was huge. No more shower curtain cling. :)

I couldn't have pets in that trailer, so when I realized there was a mouse inhabiting my kitchen, I affectionately named him Herman. Herman was my very good friend until I came home one night and he scampered into a closet where I found he had been eating my food. I set a trap shortly after and dear Herman quickly departed from this world. Every mouse after that was named Herman and shared the same fate.

I lived there for a year and the memories are numerous. Enjoying a homemade triple berry milkshake while sitting outside on the grassy lawn with all kinds of trees and shrubbery around to make it feel like a private getaway [right in my backyard!]. Wonderful neighbors that took me under their wing and often sent me home with food [they were daughter and son-in-law to my landlord], as well as mowed my lawn in the summer and shoveled my snow in the winter. In the winter, I would come home to a crock pot of lentil soup. It was wonderful to come inside and smell that smoked ham hock and know dinner was waiting for me. The Christmas of 2000, my dad surprised me with my first Christmas tree, and I would come home in between milkings, make a nice dinner while listening to Adventures in Odyssey on WDAC. After dinner, I would turn off all the lights except those on my tree and just sit and enjoy the quiet while listening to Christmas music [or classical...I'm a huge fan of classical music in the winter].

There were a lot of struggles, too, some of them humorous, some of them not. In October, I learned the hard way to keep track of the amount of kerosene in my fuel tank [for heat]. I woke up one morning to see my breath in the air! I was able to get fuel delivered fairly quickly, although memory tells me that my Grandmother paid it for me [I paid her back later] because I didn't have the funds. In the department of being responsible and planning, let's just say I probably wasn't ready to move out on my own. But I learned. :) Looking back, I don't know how I managed! There was also the time I realized I couldn't pay all my bills when they were due and I called my landlord and told him I was going to have to move back to my parents. By the time he got back to me, I had already sat down with my grandmother who showed me how to budget and get my bills paid. He was a very kind landlord and was prepared to work with me rather than have me move home.

I ran out of kerosene a second time that winter, and that was the clincher in having to move the following summer. I often kept my heat around 55-65 degrees, but because the windows didn't seal well, the heat just leaked right out. There was such a heavy draft coming from the windows, the tinsel on my Christmas tree would blow in the breeze. Finally, my grandmother came with a roll of duct tape and declared we were going to resolve the issue once and for all! I still spent nearly $2,000 in heating that winter, thanks to a colder year and a still rather drafty trailer. But even with the heating, I have no regrets about that year. Remembered in the innocence of youth, they are humorously fond memories.

There was an elderly woman just up the road that attended the same church as I [Pequea Presbyterian] and I would go up to her house, have dinner and play cards with her. Once or twice she would come to my place, but it was easier for her if I traveled. When I left, she would always say, "safe home". We would often play the game SkipBo, which happened to have a lot of wild cards in it. I always seemed to get a lot of them, which she affectionately groused about, so I started saving them so as not to rub it in. When my entire hand of 10 cards became SkipBo's, however, and I had to start using them as discards, she wasn't amused! :)

In August of 2001, I realized I couldn't stay there another year and afford to heat the place. I ended up moving about ten minutes closer to work [White Horse, PA] in an apartment that also had two bedrooms, was infested with thousand leggers, cost $400 a month and had very few windows. I have good memories from that apartment as well [including having my Bible study at 3:30 in the morning before going to work and having to keep my feet lifted up because a thousand legger ran under my seat every morning], but the trailer still wins out in experiences and memories. I stayed there six months [my lease was set at every six months] and at that point, I was really struggling with health issues and trying to work the 5o-60 hours a week at the dairy farm, so I moved home and put in my two week notice at the farm. And here I am, ten years later, and who knows what my next apartment [Lord willing] will look like. Hopefully it won't be so drafty...and it definitely won't be infested with thousand leggers. ;)

Rejoicing and resentment all in the same morning...

2011-06-12T22:43:00.004-04:00

Today in church, to my great surprise and delight, our senior pastor announced that we will be breaking ground for our church building in two weeks! This coming year [2012] will mark thirty years that Crossway has been in existance, so you can imagine our joy at being in a building. We've been blessed in the buildings that we've rented over the years, as well as being blessed with members that work hard at making sure we're set up every week. But it will be a huge blessing to have a building that we can more easily fellowship with one another, serve the community and raise the generations to follow us.

I have to admit the idea of the building is both exciting and scary to me. I've seen how a building can also be a source of strife. But as I am inclined to worry, I want to remember two things: the people that make up the church family I'm blessed to be a part of [because they are a humble people with a sacrificial heart to serve, not create strife], and the fact that now is the time to rejoice in the amazing ways God has provided, instead of focusing on unfounded fears. And He has provided in amazing ways...we're about a year ahead of schedule in having the finances to break ground!

This seems to be the season of struggling, I guess, because I found myself struggling with anger today during our message. As I mentioned before, we're in the book of Ruth right now. As a single, I always find this book particularly difficult because an element of the story is Ruth initiating marriage with Boaz when I know that in normal circumstances, it isn't [and shouldn't] be done that way. Being the woman and having to "wait" is frustrating at times, although I'm sure being the guy and having to initiate is pretty darn scary.

What strikes me most, though, is that while I'm struggling with this anger and resentment about being single [and feeling despair that it will remain that way], I am missing out on a very rich story of God's provision. The story between Ruth and Boaz is a great example of how Christ has provided for my eternity through His work on the cross. His faithfulness is on full display if I am willing to look past my desire for marriage and a family and see it. And ultimately, I don't want to be in this place of anger. Even while I was struggling with my anger, I kept thinking of the many ways He has provided for me...and how tragic to be struggling with resentment on the morning they announce a ground breaking that is a year earlier in the making! But that is my sinful heart and I'm thankful He's patient with me. I am praying that I will continue to lay down this desire for marriage in a way that is both asking and trusting, and in the process, see the book of Ruth as a beatiful display of God's provision, rather than a source of torture. :)

2011-06-11T23:51:00.002-04:00

I was perusing over the information for my HACC classes and realized that after I complete the medical billing requirements, there are only two more classes that go towards the medical coding program. Since I'm seeing far more jobs listed for coding, it makes sense to complete those two as well and try and go for my medical coding certification [that is a test given separately by an agency, not a college]. Those two classes together should take an additional four months or so. I think at this point I have less of a specific idea of what the future looks like in regards to a job...I just want to be able to get there! :) Or that's what I'm telling myself, anyway. I keep trying to plan or form the future and it just isn't cooperating! :)

Looking Back and Seeing Mercy

2011-06-09T16:49:00.008-04:00

Every once in awhile, I think about the past and the mercy and grace I see there. The 'why me' questions use to really plague me, and I struggled with them. Looking back, I distinctly see God's hand of protection on my life. Knowing that I don't deserve it, I could never understand why He has preserved my life and not others. I'm thankful for that preservation and mercy now. I don't understand it, I know it's not because any merit on my behalf, but I'm thankful for it. That didn't use to be true. I was actually a little angry about it. I like to understand things, not just know them, so perhaps it was an arrogant response to the fact that the 'why' of it is completely un-understandable. It's one of those life questions that have no answer...unless you're God, of course.

The two most distinct memories would have to be the Ramstein, Germany airshow of 1988, and the memory of a childhood friend whose life took a drastically different turn from mine. The airshow was suppose to be a day of fun, and at least half of it was. I remember trucking around from plane to plane parked out on tarmac. I remember finally getting out to a large field where people were sitting watching various planes and my parents arguing about where to sit. My mom was tired [as were we] and wanted to stay put at our current location right near the runway. Dad pointed out it wasn't good for pictures...we were too close. Because mom had just had a Bible study the week before about submitting to and obeying her husband, she finally agreed and we trucked the rest of the way up the hill. At some point during the day, my dad urged us to both watch the next stunt because it was suppose to be spectacular. I remember feeling compelled not to look up, and I instead watched as the toe of my shoe swirled around in a spot of dirt underneath me. When I looked up, there was a big ball of fire and black, thick smoke.

The stunt the Italian Air Force Aerobatic Team [Frecce Tricolori] was attempting to do was called the 'pierced heart'. The result was three of the ten planes colliding into each other, one of which flew into the crowd. It was hard when I was younger to grasp the fact that we were initially standing about where the plane crashed. Somewhere around 70 people died and hundreds were injured. I'm thankful now for some of the more obvious things, like not being in that original spot, or even close enough to have seen a lot of the graphic images from the crash. I'm thankful I didn't see the actual accident as a child, and instead only have a visual memory of the fireball. I'm also thankful for the memory of a very kind man offering my brother and I lemon drops as we rode on a bus with my parents who were going to donate blood. I imagine this man saw two scared kids and wanted to help in anyway he could. I'm sure it helped him, too, to be able to do something, however small it may seem. To try and understand why God preserved our lives that day when so many died is useless. From where I stand now at 30, I think to keep seeking answers just gives you an elevated sense of self. For whatever reason there is, He alone holds the answer and it's to His glory.

My other memory that comes to mind in regards to God's unmerited mercy on my life is a childhood friend I had while we were stationed in Germany. It was a strange friendship: she was manipulative and controlling and I was too scared to stand up to her. In fact, it took me about 3-4 years to finally get up the gumption to tell her to go fly a kite. The last two years we knew each other, we did far more fighting than anything else. The day she moved, I wasn't at home and missed the chance to swap addresses with her. I've often wondered about that over the years, with some guilt, though it's misplaced. I tried Internet searches for her out of curiosity, then gave up. Finally, after dreaming about her yet again, I woke up and decided to check 'one more time'. This time, I found an article about a girl with her name that had been arrested on charges of murdering her ex-boyfriend. I found a picture, and sure enough, it was her. She is now in a state mental hospital until she can be held competent to stand trial. It was done in front of witnesses and in view of a security camera, so there isn't much speculation as to her guilt. It's been six years since the shooting and, so far as I know, she has yet to be put on trial. If she is ever held competent, it's possible the prosecuting attorney could go for the death penalty [I pray not].

I remember a couple of years ago working through all of this and being somewhat confused as to why God has preserved my life in such a way. Why me and not her? Again, to keep asking those questions results in me putting my eyes on myself and taking them off God. It's self-consuming. I've 'wasted' a lot of years with these questions and being angry at God, something which I can't explain. I know it's wrapped up with pride to demand of God an explanation as to why He's so kind and good to me when others seem so lost and in despair. Now I'm profoundly and utterly grateful that He hasn't allowed me to fall away or harden my heart against Him. Not in that Pharisaical way that says, "I thank you God that I'm not like that man," but in a way that says, "Thank you for your preservation, mercy and grace, because apart from that, I can see myself capable of those same things." There is no explanation for it. It is a time to grab a hold of Jeremiah 29:11, "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope" and rejoice. To live, and thank God for everyday. That hasn't always been my outlook. In this area, I've seen a letting go of the answers I have demanded of God in the past, and an embracing of the future and life and His goodness. Rather than having a puffed of view of self [ie., He preserved my life therefore I must be someone uniquely special], and thereby being afraid of failure and not being able to live up to that image, it is a relief and awe inspiring to realize that His preservation has absolutely nothing to do with who I am, and everything to do with who He is. For some people at the airshow, their time on this earth was over. But for hundreds of thousands of others that were also there, myself and my family included, it was not. For my childhood friend that is now awaiting a murder trial, I can't explain at all, but I know He holds the answers and He is merciful and sovereign. When I think of her, I pray that her eyes would be opened to the Truth and that she would repent and know Him who can forgive all things. I pray for comfort for the mother of the young man she shot. And I thank God that though we are all capable of such atrocities, He has not let me stray down those paths.

"But I trust in you, O LORD; I say, 'You are my God.' My times are in Your hand." Psalm 31:14-15a

"Then my soul will rejoice in the LORD, exulting in His salvation." Psalm 35: 9

2011-06-06T22:41:00.005-04:00

I got a chance to chat with some ladies from my med. term. class tonight. We were comparing notes on job opportunities and it's a little grim. They mostly live in the Harrisburg area, and even then they haven't seen as much. Lancaster and Ephrata area are really drying up. It's so easy to get discouraged [and it's a little early for that, too]. I think this last week has been one of emotional highs and lows. A lot of that comes from having my eyes on circumstances or on myself, rather than on God. With a lack of clarity for the future, I'm finding my present circumstances are beginning to chafe. My job skills are a little lacking for anything outside of the dairy industry, which is why I chose to try the schooling route.

I think the issue is less about trusting God for provision and more the fact that I am frustrated that I don't have control over what He provides. I also have to wonder at my motives [most of its financial]. Is it wrong to want to be able to dress nicer, have the ability to go on vacation, afford an apartment, etc.? Of course they can be good desires, but they can be just plain material, as well. My eyes are definitely on what I don't have, as oppose to what I do have. And God has been very good to me. I have a job that I don't hate and I'm use to the routine [which goes far for me], it pays enough for me to make ends meet, my parents are graciously letting me live here til I get afford my own place, I have a wonderful family and church family, great friends...the list goes on and on. I have a dependable car, I'm able to afford to eat healthy, and while my wardrobe isn't exactly versatile or as stylish as I'd like, I don't have to go around in sack cloth, either. And certainly never least among things, I have reconciliation with God. Seasons can be wearying, and even more so if I chose to look at that which makes me weary. I don't know what the future will hold. Maybe I'll find that I still can't find a job that helps improve my financial outlook, or maybe I will and it won't be all that I had hoped. For now, I have to remember to keep pressing on, keep working hard and know that He has a plan. The series we're in at church is so timely [God working behind the scenes] for me. And how thankful I am that while all of this is overwhelming at times, He is not sitting back and watching to see if I figure out the next move I'm suppose to take. He's actively involved in my life and directing my steps, even when I don't see it.

The First Chapter of Ruth...

2011-06-02T12:37:00.007-04:00

We're starting a new series in Ruth [and later in the book of Esther] at church. We had our first message of the series last week and I must say I'm looking forward to the rest. We had a lot of great points from the message, but the three that stick with me are 1) to be on guard for appetites that drive my decision making, 2) to not despise this time God has for me, and 3) am I bitter in my current season?

The first point resonates with me as I work through the medical billing certification program. I occasionally check for jobs in that field to see if there is anything I could apply early for, but there often isn't much in my area. That really surprises me, because I picked this field after hearing from many sources that it's growing steadily. Granted, it's a little less than a year away before I'll be done with the all the courses, but it does cause me to question what I might do if I can't find anything in my area. Am I willing to move out of the area? Since I love traveling and miss the excitement of moving, I could see myself quickly picking up the idea. And it wouldn't necessarily be wrong, but it might not be right, either. I have been greatly blessed by my church family [it's been 10 years!] and leaving them for a new church family isn't something I want to treat lightly [and in my adventurous state of mind, I often do treat it lightly]. But if He is 'calling me out', I want to be open to it, as well. So it's a great reminder for me to discern what could be driving my decision, and when the time comes, to ask others for wisdom and council.

The last two points go hand in hand for me. I find myself struggling with my current season of singleness after having been [or thought I had been] content for some time. I don't want to despise this time, because it really does have areas of richness to it. I often try and remind myself that if I were married, having quiet times or going out with friends wouldn't be so easy. My schedule would not be my own. On the other hand, when you're desiring marriage and children, you can only remind yourself of that so many times, and so I'm also needing to ask myself if there is any bitterness in me, and I think there has been to some degree. God has been drawing that out and highlighting it. I am reminded that as wonderful as marriage can be, it's nt the answer to life's final fulfillment. If I pass from this earth without ever having marred, I want to look back with a certainty that life was full because I have been reconciled with the God of the universe and my life was spent with and for Him.

One of the things that has been hardest for me in the past is placing myself in a position that involves the risky business of hoping. I think I've shared before that I find hope very daunting. God, however, isn't daunted by it and I've found the last two years or so to be a time of creating in me a desire to take that risk. In the past, I haven't prayed for marriage because I found it easier to stuff those longings away and not acknowledge their existence [particularly anything to do with being a mother]. Now, however, I see the joy that sometimes involves heartache to ask God for marriage and children, all the while not having any guarantees that I will receive those things. I want to be childlike in my faith, taking my desires to Him with open palms and asking Him to hold them, or fulfill them, for me. It's not easy, it might evoke pain, but there's also a sweetness to it that is worth the risk.

All that from the first chapter of Ruth. It was quite a message. :)

2011-05-19T06:44:00.002-04:00

I fell off the proverbial wagon over the last week and have been eating a lot of ice cream, chocolate and all other kinds of yummy good-ness [think cheesecake]. And now I'm feeling it. Stiff neck, aching joints, headache, etc. Time to refocus and cut out the sugar again. Thankfully I didn't go totally off the reservation, so it's not like I have a ton of junk food to throw out. I also needed to use a harsh cleaning chemical yesterday in a relatively small room, so even with a fan running, I breathed in quite a bit. The fact that my joints really started bothering me after that cements my thinking that I need to stay away from harsh chemicals as much as possible. My body just doesn't like it. :)

I'm half way [or more] through my current class and signed up for my next, which starts in July. That should put me roughly at the halfway point for the whole program.

Flowers!

2011-05-11T19:21:00.000-04:00

Well, it's that time of year...flower shopping! Usually every Spring I take care of decorating the flower pots, along with a few sprinkling of new perennials or annuals. This year funds were a little tighter, so my mom provided the majority of the funds. I ended up pitching in a bit because I am HORRIBLE in a greenhouse. The day I own my own home, I am in trouble. :)

I have some traditional plants I can't do without each year, some of which are: bacopia, thunbergia [black eyed susan vine], 'victoria' salvia and I love petunias for their easy growth and splashy color. This year I bought the original orange thunbergia, as well as a yellow, and then saw one called 'raspberry smoothie' [above pic]. I'm excited about this new color, which I think I'm going to plant in one of my larger pots on the porch.

I also decided to try some new flowers this year. My mom asked that I incorporate some blue [for dad], so I bought a scaevola plant. I'm not familiar with it, so I have no clue how big it will get, but I loved the look of it. It's the picture on the left. I also decided to try zinnias this year; I had gazanias last year which were beautiful, but they didn't bloom past July. That was a little disappointing. I also bought vincas again because they're a lot like the petunia...really good growth and lots of color.

Another new addition is the sunbini flower [to the right]. I thought this looked like a bright, cheerful little flower. We'll see how it does. I bought something similar last year and it was choked out by the vincas [bad planting on my part]...not sure if this is the same plant, so hopefully I won't have a repeat of last year. I try to get everything that is fairly drought tolerant in case I miss a day of watering. That's the one downside of pots on a deck with no shade...hot weather requires daily watering.

Thoughts on 'A Praying Life'

2011-05-05T15:40:00.014-04:00

Before I get sidetracked, I keep meaning to put a disclaimer in this blog...unless otherwise stated, these gorgeous pictures of all the flowers [and other images] are not mine unless otherwise stated. In this case, only the last picture in this blog is mine.

I'm currently on the homestretch to finishing up the book, A Praying Life, by Paul E. Miller. I highly recommend the book, as would many other people whom I hear are also reading it. Paul has a very personal way of conveying things, and to my utter relief, this book takes a decidedly strong departure from the 'this is how you pray' books. When a friend first let me borrow the book, I wasn't very excited about it. In my head I kept thinking that I didn't want to read another book on the Lord's Prayer...which I can't really say that I've ever actually read one of those books. Anyway, since the book came so highly recommended, I decided I better take a crack at it. And after the first 1-2 chapters, I realized this was a book I needed to be reading, so I bought my own copy and happily found that a couple of other friends wanted to read it, too. For the last couple of months, we've been getting together nearly every week to talk over what we read. I'm thankful for their encouragement, because I doubt I would have finished this book, despite how good it is. For what I hope is the revealed good in the very near future, this book seems to have stirred up a hornet's nest in my life. Aren't you excited to read it now? ;)

One of the first things that stuck with me is Miller's endorsement to be child-like in our faith, which means being child-like in our prayers. It stuck with me because I was a very serious child that hated being a kid and couldn't wait to be an adult where I could finally be taken seriously. I hate all the memories of the stupid and silly things I said as I child because, verbally speaking, I was more carefree. And now I'm suppose to embrace that era again? Surprisingly, I didn't toss the book. Instead, I started to see the fruit of it. Or I should say, the fruit of being honest with God, rather than praying what I've learned I'm 'suppose' to be thinking and praying, which was another sticking point from this book. How many times [even now] have I started to pray and it feels false and disingenuous? When I took those moments and started out with what I was really thinking, I found it helped me address my heart in that moment, whether the problem was that I wasn't really repentant of something or I was doubting His goodness in that moment but didn't want to be honest about it. Of course it's always our human silliness to pretend He doesn't know and see all...

Now towards the end of the book, I'm reading about how God sometimes removes Himself from the center of a trial, or time of walking in the desert. It gave me a little start to read that. What about that poem where we're on the beach and we see only one set of footprints and we find out it's because He's been carrying us, not that He left us? I suppose, since He is omnipresent, He can carry us and remove Himself from the center, if that's what He feels like doing. Miller's point is if God is always at the center, He becomes a praying magic machine. Sometimes months and years will go by [in his wife's case it was 20+ years] and we don't see our prayers answered. But all through that time, God is weaving the story and preparing us for that answer, and it becomes a time of trusting and waiting on Him. As Miller explains, it builds trust and intimacy with God. As I was letting the dogs out, I thought of a child on a diving board and when they look down into the pool, the father isn't directly below like he always is. In a moment of panic, the child realizes his father has moved off to the side and further out. Making the leap will require more faith that he can make it to the outstretched arms, and that they will be there, securing him, just as they did when the father was directly below. What happens when that child takes the risk of drowning, or at least fearing he will, and makes the jump and his father catches him, even at that greater distance? The trust he holds in his father grows.

So now here I am, almost finished with the book and I feel like my spiritual life has been shook up like a snow globe. Everything is swirling around and there are moments of panic because I can't grasp all those snowflakes and make them settle where I want them to. The situation is out of my control. But I have always asked God to keep doing His work in me, to grow my faith and trust in Him, and to help me through certain weaknesses I see in me, for the purpose of loving Him more and being able to love those around me more. And if I want that, I see now that I need to go through this desert. It's uncomfortable and it's difficult. Right now I'm in the middle and it's a mess. It's a battle. But history has taught me that He is faithful and in between moments of panic and anxiety, I know I can trust Him. And for a dose of honesty, Lord, please don't let this season last twenty years! :)

2011-05-03T16:52:00.003-04:00

I never thought I would love salmon so much! I typically buy Tilapia from WalMart because it's one of the cheapest fish and still tastes good. It is rather delicate, however, and pretty hard to grill [unless you buy a nifty addition for the grill to cover the large slats...I haven't gotten around to that yet]. I often here not to eat a lot of fish [heavy metal poisoning], but if you do, make sure it's wild caught. Well, wild caught and my budget don't go together! At least that's what I use to think. I was listening to a Chris Fabry Live! podcast and he had a guest that lives on an Alaskan island part of the year where she and her family run a business catching wild salmon. Because of some health issues in Chris' family and needing to avoid certain foods and chemicals, he was already fairly informed and had a lot of great questions for her. What benefited me the most was her explanation of why farm raised fish is not healthy. Basically, paraphrasing what she shared, farm raised fish are in very cramped environments and must be given heavy amounts of antibiotics. The water must also be heavily treated with something akin to a fungicide, if memory serves me correctly, to keep the water 'clean'. To top it off, the ecosystem on the ocean floor below where the fish are kept is dead because the water is so heavily populated. I'm not sure how it works, but apparently they're able to somehow create 'cages' in the water. I haven't researched it very much at this point, because those three facts alone were believable and enough to turn me off farm raised fish for life. Particularly if I'm eating it as often as I am.

It just so happens mom and I recently made a trip to Walmart and noticed they were selling Salmon fillets. You want to make sure it says 'wild caught' on the package, which so far seems to always correlate with Alaska [with fish in general, my ENT doctor told me to never eat farm raised fish, or fish from China due to heavy metals]. For about $10, the package held enough fillets for about 4 meals [one person]. Not too bad, all things considered. Definitely more than tilapia, but considering it's healthier [until all the trash from Japan floats our way, of course], I'm happy with it. I also tried Salmon in those pouches [basically canned salmon] and liked that, as well. I add the juice of a lemon to the canned salmon to help cut back on the fishiness. I actually prefer it over tuna, which surprised me. When I grill the fillets, I simply rub in whatever seasoning I have [mesquite was good and tonight I'm going to try a lemon dill herb rub]. The best part about fish is how quickly it cooks...truly a fast food! :)

The other surprise is my current lack of eating a lot of dairy and not really minding. Normally I'm a dairy junky. I still buy raw milk from a farm that has Jersey cows [makes the best yogurt] that are largely grass fed and aren't injected or fed hormones [come to think of it, I think only beef cows are fed hormones]. The milk is mainly used for making yogurt and kefir, although I do enjoy the occasional glass now and then. I use to drink raw milk like it was water, but the cost [$2.25 for a 1/2 gallon] has changed that habit considerably. Other than the occasional cup of hot tea or coffee, I just drink water now. I try and get in yogurt once a day, and also enjoy eating cheddar cheese made from raw milk [different farm and this one is 100% grass fed and organic]. That's by far my favorite snack....cheese with either grapes, apples or soaked and dried pecans [which is too much of a luxury right now]. So in hindsight, I'm still eating a decent amount of dairy, but nothing like I use to. :) I shy away from stuff like American cheese...the good quality stuff is delicious to my taste buds, but for some reason it triggers carb [and junk food] cravings.

In my oatmeal, I've found that I enjoy using Almond milk [made by the Silk company]. I used raw milk once and didn't like the strong flavor it gave the oatmeal...it made the cinnamon, vanilla and apples take a back seat. I was really surprised to find I liked it, although not to drink. I'm also slowly starting to incorporate a few 'Sally Fallon' recipes I like. I also switched to steel cut oats...healthier and tastes better. I'm trying to focus on treating my heart a little kinder, so I also am cutting out products with a lot of sodium as much as possible. At home, we only use 'real salt'. Mom had high blood pressure a few years ago and when she switched to the real salt, her next dr. visit showed it back down again. Could be coincidence, however, because mom comes from a pretty healthy heart family. :) Anyway, I decided I needed to get serious about my own heart. My dad's side doesn't have such great history in that department, I have a health issue that long term can take a toll on the heart, and I've had a lot of problems this year with it speeding up and/or pounding heavily. Oh, to have health insurance! :) I'm not concerned, though, because while the speeding up was unusual for me, it wasn't even nearing dangerously high. Just uncomfortable. In the near future, I want to look in to exercises that will strengthen my heart, as well. For now, I'm trying to push myself when I walk and tackle the hills, rather than slowing down for them.

To wrap this post, I should probably share that this blog has become more of an online journal for me. If you've finished to the end of this incredibly long and rambling post, bless your heart and thank you! But I'm not expecting folks to have the time, patience or interest to read such uneventful posts. ;)

2011-04-30T08:45:00.008-04:00

I can't think of the word for it, but I've finally dropped enough pounds to be down to the next set of numerical tens [so if a person weighs 150, they're down to 149]. I'm elated! Partly because I'm losing at all, and partly because it feels good to be out of the previous range of weight. Woohoo! Cravings are getting much easier. I did enjoy a bacon cheeseburger and fries yesterday from my friend's stand at Green Dragon, and then enjoyed a Lapp Valley ice cream cone [coconut]. I was going to have a treat and get an apple fritter, but needed something more substantial. And really, the apple fritter just seems too sweet anymore. Another woohoo!

Mom is really losing weight and looking great. Her body seems more into the whole idea of shedding pounds than mine [and she's better at sticking to the diet], as well as being petite. So when she loses, it shows quickly. I'm excited for her, because with her neuropathy, it's hard for her to get around. She's really been working hard and pushing herself to walk, even when it's painful. She's pretty much sticking to the 17 day diet, and I'm just taking one of the cycles from the diet and sticking with that. I'm finding I'm becoming a creature of habit and I don't do well to keep switching things up. On the humorous side, everytime I post about this subject, I think I say something different everytime. I am a bit scatterbrained at times.

I recently have begun to realize, through the input of others and the working of the Holy Spirit in my life, that I have been close fisted about my future in regards to marriage. In so many areas I've seen growth in trusting God and in believing that He is good and has good things for me. But in regards to being a single, I've been suspicious that God is holding out on me. I've been resentful. The latter was definitely a surprise, but being resentful doesn't have to mean that you're outwardly angry and bitter, which is how I've been narrowly viewing it. It can be quiet and unsuspecting. Reading through a specific chapter in Carolyn McCulley's Did I Kiss Marriage Goodbye: Trusting God with a Hope Deferred pointed that out more clearly. Here is a quote Carolyn uses from Paul Tripp's book, Instrument in the Redeemer's Hands:

"Demand is the closing of my fists over a desire. Even though I may be unaware that I have done it, I have left my proper position of submission to God. I have decided that I must have what I have set my heart on and nothing can stand in the way. I am no longer comforted by God's desire for me; I am threatened by it, because God's will potentially stands in the way of my demand."

I am most aware of that feeling of threat when I realize this is an area, like all others, that I need to give over to God. The immediate fear is that I am very well destined to be single for the rest of my life, as if my holding on to what desire with a closed fist is somehow strongholding God in to giving me what I want. By giving that up, my irrational fear is that I'm giving up some sort of influence over the One who has created me and everything around me.

Bottom line, I have to remember and believe that I can trust Him with my heart, and whatever pain, sadness and loss I experience in my life, should I remain single, I can take to Him. He is not unaware or uncaring, and He is not withholding anything good from me. There will be grace and strength and even joy abundant for whatever life He has for me. There is a very real giving up and mourning [for a season] in submitting to God's current season of singleness for me, having no future assurance that I will ever marry. But I don't have to or want to stay there.

As a parting thought, I read this verse in Psalm 17 this morning and it resonated with me. This is how I want to remember Him as He views me. "Keep me as the apple of Your eye; hide me in the shadow of Your wings..."

2011-04-26T13:28:00.004-04:00

Week 3 of Medical Terminology and I'm still enjoying it. I'm pretty sure I passed my 2nd test with no wrong answers, but I'll find out later this week. I forgot I didn't have to go over the terms that have no root parts [medical term for a mole--nevus--for example]. This week looks like it will get harder in that we have to continue to remember all suffixes and prefixes learned from previous chapters. The word parts generally don't carry over to the next chapter, since they are mainly whatever system we're learning at the time. For instance, the combined form for [finger] nail is onych/o...so we really won't have to deal with that while we're learning the combining forms and medical terms for the respiratory system. The suffix -itis, which means inflammation, however, will be used probably every chapter. So my goal this week is to not be overly cofindent about the material and go over all prefixes and suffixes as well as learn the new word roots [aka combining forms].

Two sides of the same coin...

2011-04-19T17:51:00.009-04:00

One of the things I most enjoy in life, books, movies--everything--is character development and learning more about myself and those around me. Okay, I'm self-centered, so I have to admit I most enjoy learning about myself. Sometimes I feel like there is a disconnect and I miss the most obvious things. I think I've commented on this blog in the past that it amazes me I know so little about myself. It's almost like there is the physical me and the thinking me and they don't often cross paths. When they do, it's a fun and startling surprise.

The other day it hit me that when I'm agonizing and worrying about the next class I have to take, I'm not really worried about passing [for the most part]. I'm worried about doing well [aka, getting an A] and hoping and praying I understand the material. It frustrates me to just pass tests--I want to know and understand what I'm learning. Otherwise I'm just parroting back what I read or heard with absolutely no clue as to what what I am talking about. In life, however, that's not always possible, especially in my walk with Christ. I think He is compassionate about my need or preference, anyway, to understand the trial He's putting before me. But I'm also learning that the main point of everything is to move forward and to trust Him for all the results, wisdom in decision making, etc.

I think I'm starting to understand or at least better identify the brain confusion I often feel. It's almost like my subconscious and physical body know exactly what to do [this happens a lot while I'm driving]. Reflexes take over and I go with the flow. Many times, though, my brain is scrambling to catch up to what my hands and feet are already doing and it feels like I'm free falling. It's disconcerting for the first 10 seconds or so, until my brain catches up [particularly when I'm entering a busy highway], but I'm getting use to it. It helps to understand what's going on, and as crazy as this sounds, to mentally remind myself what I'm doing, why, etc. I promise, I'm not crazy. I don't think. :)

Understanding, in this case, gives me more confidence. I know I can do the work. In some areas [learning], I have to work a little harder to get the information to stick. In other areas [actually taking the test], I have to go slowly and make sure I actually wrote down the correct letter that corresponds with the correct answer [multiple choice]. Otherwise, the brain and the hand don't connect and I realize I wrote down the wrong answer, even though I knew the correct one. This also happens a lot when I'm using the calculator or dialing a phone number. Occasionally I have dreams where I can't dial the correct number and I have to do it over and over again. Very frustrating. And then sometimes that really does happen, which makes me very thankful that we use cell phones and have the numbers programmed in. I swore I would never get something like an iPhone, but the other day I realized that it would be very helpful to have one with me that can help me stay organized and unconfused. The latter is a very precious thing when you walk through a lot of life in a cloud of mental confusion.

For the future, I have to admit I do worry. If an employer finds out about this weakness, will I lose my job? What if they don't appreciate quality over quantity and I get canned for working too slow? And then I sometimes wonder if it really has anything to do with vestibular damage. Maybe there's something else wrong with me? Or maybe it's a combination of the vestibular damage and the neuropathy it appears I have and few in the medical field understand the implications. If I stay there too long, though, I get frustrated, so let's move along.

The place to begin and end and never leave, of course, is the faithfulness of God. He made me as I am and all trials and tribulations go through Him before they reach me. He has promised to give me everything I need to remain in Him and live this life. I can trust Him. I realized last night how real He is becoming to me. Of course I still struggle with doubt at times, but there are certain areas that are cemented. I know I can trust Him for this area, whatever it is, and if I don't get the results I wanted, I know it's because He has something else in mind. My job is to trust Him and when I feel like I can't, to ask Him to help me to do so.

2011-04-15T15:42:00.006-04:00

First words out of my mouth after weighing myself when I woke up today, "Victory!" Lost a pound! Mom did too, so maybe we just plateaued or something. I did better today and yesterday with eating what I'm suppose to [although I did have a lot of fruit yesterday], with the only change being that I'm having oatmeal every morning for breakfast. You're only suppose to eat grain carbs every other day on this phase, but having the oatmeal in the morning helps curb my carb cravings later in the day. The recipe I'm enjoying is from Jillian Michaels [Biggest Loser]. I cook up the oatmeal in almond milk with Cinnamon in it. Then in another pan I cook up an apple with a little bit of water, cinnamon, freshly grated nutmeg and some sweetener [although you don't need it]; we use agave nectar, which is suppose to have a lower glycemix index. When the oatmeal is done, you add vanilla and maple syrup to taste [I use about a tablespoon or less]. Combine apples and oatmeal together, sprinkle with pecans and breakfast is ready! I've been cutting back on the oatmeal [1/2 cup] and cooking up an egg to eat on the side so I can have some protein in there.

Mom had off today and we decided to make our Green Dragon excursion together. I introduced her to the Parsley Porch. It was love at first sight. :) Today I bought a mesquite mix and eyed up the fresh vanilla beans, but that will have to be another time. Mom bought a spice called Memphis BBQ, Siagon Cinnamon [better quality], Herbs de Provence [has lavender petals in it!], among some others. His quality is amazing [doesn't take much to add flavor] and his prices cheap. After that stop, we hit my two favorite stands for vegetables and fruit. I was able to get green grapes for .99/lb, and thankfully they still have asparagus because I'm addicted. :) I got my spring mix lettuce this week and was a little horrified at the price...$5.38/lb.! Still way cheaper than the stores, but I won't be getting that again. The spinach is $2/lb and lasts longer. I swore it was just over $2/lb for the spring mix, so maybe they charged me more for holding it for me. I didn't think to ask.

For dinner tonight, I am grilling hamburgers. I have 2-3 lbs. of the home raised beef from my friend Martha, mixed with minced onion and the mesquite mix, which has a really pleasant smokey flavor. I figured asparagus spears drizzled with olive oil on the grill would also taste good, and since it's my carb day, I might eat some couscous, too. The best part about this diet is getting to enjoy food!

2011-04-14T14:03:00.005-04:00

So mom and I are both doing the 17 day diet, as I mentioned before, and we're perplexed. I think she stopped losing weight about the same time I did in the first cycle. And we're eating healthy. Rather frustrating considering the whole point of the diet is that you're suppose to avoid plateaus. Running in to one after the first week is...annoying. She finally caved one day and ate a smattering of carbs, as I had done, and also found she'd lost weight the next day. So we can't figure this thing out. I tried fiddling with the diet so much, I can't figure out what's up and what down. Mom, however, has pretty much followed it to the letter and also is no longer losing weight.

I'm not deterred, though. I feel better for the most part and the weight I did lose feels good. I'm holding at about 8 lbs with a few fluctuations here and there. I figure my goal now is to eat healthy and continue to exercise [walking] and be happy with whatever I lose. One of my health issues does make it difficult to lose weight [the word impossible is often used, but we're going to ignore that], so maybe that plays in to it. Regardless, I figure you can't go wrong eating healthy and getting some exercise. I would like to lose as much as I can now before I switch to an office job. I figure it will only get harder then. Right now I have a job that is very active.

On a bright note, we were walking the other day and got to chatting with a neighbor riding home from work [Mennonite]. I asked if he knew the owners of a house we were approaching and wondered if he knew the name of the dogs there. Turns out he lives there [I suspected by his amused facial expressions]. We had to stop walking our dogs past their house more than 5 years ago because their Lab was so aggressive. It progressed to the point that we didn't feel safe walking by, even without the dogs. Unfortunately, I yelled at him as a puppy a lot when he came at us, rather than trying to make friends with him. So I think that kind of sealed his dislike of people walking past his farm! For years I thought I should just go and talk to them, as the route past their house is the safest in our area [otherwise you deal with getting mowed down by speeding cars]. Turns out, he was very apologetic and explained they'd gotten shock collars for them and they try to catch the dogs [there are two now] in the act. They looked in to an invisible fence, but as I suspected, it's too expensive with a property front as long as their's. I thought it seemed like the dogs had been behaving better but figured I was walking safely by on borrowed time. I did learn the Lab's name is Chewey. It's amazing what a difference that conversation has made...I use to hate that dog and now I'd like to meet him! Working on the farms taught me that if you remain calm and show them you're not a threat, they'll eventually become friendly. With a name like Chewey, I can only imagine he fits that category. Then there are the dogs I carried dog treats--or whatever was on hand, like french fries--in my pocket to keep them at bay.

2011-04-12T15:20:00.003-04:00

I started my first class in Medical Terminology. The overall concept of it is the easy part [combining the word parts to form a word] and even breaking up the word into parts is easy. But remembering what each part stand for is another matter. It's just going to require a lot of memorization and drills on my part. Thankfully, the teacher is very kind and will be breaking up the quizzes so that we have one every week, rather than make us learn 5 weeks of information and then test us all at once. This eases my panic! I think because it's a certification course and not for credit, they probably go a little easier on us. Works for me!

Last Friday I made my weekly excursion to Green Dragon. I decided to go earlier to try and buy this spring garden mix that looked really yummy. I saw it the first week and didn't want it. Wanted it the second week and they'd sold out already. So last Friday I decided to stay up after work and go in early, just to buy this yummy spring mix. And an hour after opening, they were sold out! How ironic. Anyway, the ladies were kind enough to take an order for me and this week they're going to save me a pound.

In the midst of my shopping, I went to visit a friend that has a stand at Green Dragon. After that, I bumped in to an old customer from my days of being an A.I. technician [earlier while I was visiting with my friend--we use to milk cows together--someone she knew stopped by and we got to chatting...turns out he is a cousin the customer I would later bump in to]. We had a nice chat and it was good to be able to talk cows without regretting that those days are over for me.

After my shopping there, I decided I might as well stay up and run to a farm to buy cheese, as well as visit my Grandparents. On the way there, I figured it made sense to visit an old customer turned dear friend, since I hadn't seen her in almost a year. We visited for 2.5 hours! I mentioned that I would definitely be buying sweet corn from her this year; since I didn't last year, I realized how much I missed it. She sent me on my way [with some half-hearted attempts of protest on my part] with about 3 quarts of sweet corn, a broiler chicken [I wanted to make chicken corn soup], and about 1-2 pounds of her homegrown beef. I try not to expect it from her, but almost every time I visit, she is sweet and sends me home with something.

By the time I got to my poor grandparents house, I was whooped. I think I visited for about 15 minutes and realized I couldn't stay awake. Driving home was quite interesting. Till it was all said and done, I ended up being awake for 26 hours, but it was well worth it. This week, however, I think I'll get some sleep first. :)

2011-04-02T14:17:00.002-04:00

After having some serious carb cravings, I had quite a few cheats over the last 3 days. Ironically, I lost weight after eating the coffee roll and apple fritter, cementing my thoughts that you can eat too little calories [and maybe carbs] on the first 17 days of this diet. Every time I think I ate way too much food to have lost weight, I shed a pound or two. The third day [last night], however, must have been the tipping point. I gained back a pound. So back to the 'grind'! Although food wise, it's really not bad. I love everything I can eat and I'm not having to eat stuff like rice cakes. It's going through the carb withdrawal that's the hard part!

I finally decided to rework my budget yesterday to up my grocery column [I know, fascinating topic]. I was able to increase that budget without getting unrealistic in other areas. So I think I'll

actually be able to make it eating this way, now.

I had a great time visiting my cousin and her husband yesterday in Baltimore. We went to Outback [their treat], which I've never been to before. Loved it. I got the pork tenderloin with some kind of raspberry glaze on it, garlic mashed potatoes and french styled green beans. Very tasty! It was pretty peppery, though, so we agreed a trip to The Daily Scoop would be just the ticket. It's a great ice cream parlor where they let you sample any flavor you want [and as many flavors as you want]. In fact, they pretty much insist on it before you pick out what you're getting. We go there every time I visit. This time I got Moose Tracks and a really yummy Lemon ice cream with bits of lemon pastry in it. I forget the name now, but it was delicious! I think it was the mashed potatoes, though, and not the ice cream that tipped the scale. ;)

2011-03-28T15:14:00.002-04:00

So far on day 6 I've lost 4 pounds! Not having bread carbs is getting easier, thankfully, and I have a LOT more energy. I also flipped to the back of the book [17 Day Diet] and noticed Dr. Moreno had a food plan for folks on nightshift. So I'm going to try and follow that route. It looks like he refigured when you eat certain foods to counteract the fact that your stomach wants to be sleeping when it's suppose to be digesting food. Get with the program digestvie tract, you've got work to do!

My main concern continues to be finances. My trip to Green Dragon didn't last as long as I'd hoped and it's sobering watching that groceries category in my budget dwindle. But I was challenged this weekend in a discussion with friends that this is a reminder to take everything to God. So I'm praying for mercy to stick to the diet and that He would continue to abundantly provide with my finances. How I'm going to accomodate a burgeoning food budget plus continue to pay for the HACC courses is beyond me, but I think this is a good season for me. I'm seeing some sin pointed out ["Lord, don't I deserve some help here? I've been really good about my finances!"] and that this is a continuation of my need to learn patience and trust in God's timing. Because my first thought is, I want it now! And because a big part of all this is my desire to move closer to my church family and be a greater part of the Body there, I think I often feel like I'm justified in my impatience.

As a parting thought, I've been enjoying listening to Flyleaf lately. I've been in the mood for some heavier music, originally because I need something to keep me awake at night as I struggled with fatigue more in the last month. Now that I'm on this new diet, however, it's giving me something to cruise to at night with all that extra energy.

2011-03-26T00:21:00.008-04:00

With the exception of the year and a half I lived on my own in the eastern part of Lancaster county, I've lived in or near Ephrata for the last fifteen years. In all that time, I think I've gone to the Green Dragon Market less than five times. It always seems too chaotic to negotiate both the car traffic and the foot traffic. After today, though, I wonder how I ever though a little thing like traffic made the rest of the experience not worth it.

To spur on my goal of saving up money and getting through the medical billing program more quickly, I decided earlier this winter that I would only eat as healthy as I could afford. That largely meant trying to eat large pots of soup all the time. Let me tell you, even the most tasty lentil soup gets old after awhile. My mom was interested in trying the 17 Day Diet by Dr. Mike Moreno, so she bought the book. In a culmination of several things, one being sick from not eating right and two being how convincingly the book was written, I decided to try it out. That meant shopping for more fresh produce [to simplify it, the diet consists largely of lean protein, certain fresh veggies and fruits, and probiotics--grains and legumes are added in eventually].

If you know me, I'm famous for starting a 'diet' and staying on it a few days, weeks or at most, a couple of months. Then I usually get bored or start craving carbs again. There's really nothing different this time, it's just as likely to happen. But rather than focus on that negative thought, I'd just assume jump in with both feet and pray for God's mercy and grace. I always need it.

Back to the Green Dragon. My friend, Vicki, and I headed out to Ephrata's wonderful outdoor/indoor market in search of all manner of goodies. I was ecstatic to find nutmeg [the type you still have to grate] and several rubs for chicken and fish, one of which had lavender blooms in the mix. At very reasonable prices I bought asparagus, strawberries, spinach, mushrooms, oranges, FRESH basil, sugar free black raspberry jam, and vine ripened tomatoes. In a lot of cases, the quality was better than what I could find at WalMart, and it certainly was cheaper, with maybe the exception of the mushrooms. These however were worth the minimal additional cost as they looked much nicer. I'm excited about the meat rubs because I want something to 'spice' up my chicken and fish to hopefully keep boredom at bay. I actually love eating all the foods in this diet, but I also like carbs and variety. After the first two cycles [34 days], though, you're able to cheat on the weekends. My goal is for my 'cheats' to be healthier [ie., not consuming large quantities of cake over the weekend and instead enjoying a slice or two, or saving what I'm craving most--alfredo--for a weekend] and better portion control.

My only disappointment is that Green Dragon is only open on Fridays. There are other markets in the county, but they're too far away to be traveling on a weekly basis. So I need to learn how much I'll be eating in a week's time without anything spoiling.

To wrap up our evening, we enjoyed fish [mine was tilapia with a lemon and dill rub and Vicki's was pecan crusted rainbow trout which sounded so good, but I couldn't eat the bread crumbs], sauteed bok choy with bacon and a side salad of chopped fresh basil and tomatoes with a balsamic vinaigrette. For dessert, we had fresh strawberries marinated in balsamic vinegar. It sounds crazy, but it tastes very good! I believe I saw it on Barefoot Contessa a few years back and always wanted to try it. Vicki, connoisseur that she is, was already familiar with it and loved it, too.

2011-02-25T22:45:00.003-05:00

As I've mentioned before, I enjoy listening to Chris Fabry Live! while I'm at work. It's a 2 hour podcast [broken in to two segments] and they cover just about everything you can think of.

Last night I was surprised to hear the topic was going to be about church safety. Working at night in a church cleaning floors made me much more interested in the podcast than I might have been otherwise. I was intrigued to hear how common my situation is [doors left unlocked and lots of keys floating around]. Ironically, I also found a few more doors than usual left unlocked last night. Overall I feel safe working there. A person doesn't want to live there life being afraid that the worst might happen, but at the same time it's good to take precautions. I know there's a cop that drives by every night [I've talked to him] and I work about 3 minutes from the station. I take what precautions I can, but unfortunately the unlocked doors I can't do much about [other than locking them once I get there]. So it's probably time to email the correct people and see if we can work on that a little bit.

On another note, I start my first HACC class next week. I decided to purchase my books online and saved a ton of money. I don't know what all goes in to the making of college books, but the prices are a bit ridiculous. I was disgusted to find that the used books only had $20 discounted off the original price. However, such is the system and if I want an education and a better job, I just have to suck it up and find what deals I can. I must say I'm thankful that we have a community college in our area and that the course prices are so reasonable.

2011-02-23T17:32:00.002-05:00

I recently found out that I don't need to pay for the entire medical billing program up front as I thought I would need to. This puts me at least 6 months ahead! Lord willing, I can start taking courses this March or April. It looks like the courses are ongoing through the year, so I won't have to deal with summer breaks.

I also should be able to get transcripts for the Human A&P course I took through AHIMA. That saves me a significant amount of time and money [and pain!]. The other course I took, Health Care Delivery Systems, may not transfer if it's not similar the course through the college. The program is suppose to take 18 months, but without A&P [and hoping I can double up on something] I'm hoping to get it done quicker. Their website says 12-18 months, so it must be possible somehow! =)

I am also excited about the prospect that this could put me in a position to move in to Lancaster much quicker than I was originally thinking. It's hard to say. I don't see it happening before I finish the program and get a job in billing [and even then it may not pay enough starting out], but I'm itching to do so. I was thinking this past weekend how nice it would be to just be 5-10 minutes away from most of my close friends and church family, rather than 35-40 minutes away.

A neat little piece of trivia...it hit me the other day that this February marks 10 years at my church. Wow-ee! Where has all the time gone?!

2011-02-12T15:23:00.006-05:00

I was listening to Chris Fabry Live! the other day and he had guest speaker Dr. Les Parrott on to talk about his up and coming book, Dot.Com Dating. I was intrigued about the book and to learn that he and his wife, Leslie, have a new Christian dating site up [myrightsomeone.com]. For the most part, it was a very insightful podcast, except maybe for the parts where Dr. Parrott came off as your run of the mill salesman. "Our site is the only one out there that..." Yada-yada-yada. But he did have some excellent points, two being that dating online doesn't classify the single as desperate and it's much, much safer to go through sites that include a fee. I was tempted to roll my eyes at this, but his point was that you are less likely to run into the online creeps with a site that requires a [substantial] fee. Never a guarantee that you're safe from said creeps, but a great point nonetheless. They also had some sound tips on including others in the process [accountability] and never forsaking safety when interacting with others online.

Initially sites such as eharmony were fodder for jokes more than anything else. But as time goes on and many of us know at least one or two couples that met their spouse online, it's taking on credibility. My first opinion was that it was seriously lacking in the romance department to be 'matched' with someone. Then I went through the stage where it was a little embarrassing to admit I was curious about signing up...after all, isn't it only desperate singles that aren't content in their singleness that sign up for these sites?

Now it doesn't seem strange at all. It is yet another method to meet singles, albeit one that should require some steps in regards to safety. To here the podcast with Chris Fabry and Dr. Les Parrott, click here. I had signed up a few years ago on a site for Christians with a belief in reformed doctrine [soveriegngracesingles]. Looking back, it was a very positive experience, although I decided to terminate my subscription after a couple of months. In my case, I realized that I'm not a person that could date long distance where the person lives too far away to see each other on a somewhat regular basis. And while I'm open to wherever God sends me, I'm not in a hurry to leave my church family or even the body of churches we belong to.

Having said that, in a different season financially, I would consider signing up again with the stipulation to myself and others that I'm honest about my need for proximity in living distance and preference to not leave my church family. Honesty is the key, otherwise--intentionally or not--I become the person that is misleading others. A good way to evaluate the heart motives for signing up is whether or not I'm willing to ask others to join the process. Knowing how fickle and rebellious my heart is, I wouldn't consider signing up again without the support of folks that God has directly placed in my life for fellowship and accountability. I did so with Sovereign Grace Singles and am very thankful for the support I received, as well as the peace of mind as to my motives. After all, real romance incorporates wisdom.

Quotes from Vital Life course on 'Understanding Anger'

2011-02-09T07:35:00.002-05:00

"Anger is the rising up of the heart in passionate displacency against an apprehended evil, which would cross or hinder us of some desired good." ~Richard Baxter~

"Repentance is a grace of God's Spirit whereby a sinner is inwardly humbled and visibly reformed." ~Thomas Watson~

2011-02-07T17:56:00.009-05:00

It's a little early for me to be pining for Spring [I don't usually hit that mark until early March], but I miss my flowers! They're like old friends that you only get to see every once in awhile but you always look forward to their visit. If my survival depended on the kind of garden I kept, I'd starve because I would much rather put my time in to flowers as oppose to a vegetable garden. It would probably be worth it to me to buy the fruits and vegetable that I wanted to can/freeze, rather than trying to keep up with a garden.

I love that my family has a love for flowers. My Grandad has more variety of Iris than I can count, but it's fun trying! His property becomes an Iris showcase around April-June [iris never seem to bloom the same time twice around here] and when a particular variety has enough blooms, he loves digging up sections for people to take home...that's largely where we've gotten

our variety here at home. He also likes to swap with neighbors and friends [and strangers, too!] if they each have a color the other is looking for. Most of my cousins also love flowers, as do some of my uncles and my mom and I. I think my brother even enjoys them! Not having grown up around extended family, I enjoy knowing God gave us a love for flowers [and cooking], and

that we can trace it back to Grandad. He is a special guy!

And bunny trailing off of that....I've been thinking lately about talents and gifts that God gives us, and how we should use them. I love to write. I've come to the conclusion that I may not be very good at it, but I love it. I go through spells where I try to set the idea aside, but the hunger always comes back. The issue of ever being published is a moot point, in this case. My puzzlement is whether or not it's honoring to God to spend so much time doing it, in part because I mostly enjoy fictional writing. I've learned by now that my perception of God's character and His heart is often wrong. So my prayer lately has been that He would show me His heart on the subject. What does He want me to do with this at times insatiable need to write?

This new thought is forming, that perhaps I'm still working off my old ideas of God when it comes to writing [or any other form of creativity]. Music always seems more noble, mainly because you can serve on a worship team. One of the things I'm most enjoying about reading A Praying Life is the author's reminder to simply ask God, to be childlike in our demeanor and requests. Dialogue with God doesn't have to be eloquent or long winded. So that's my prayer, that God would show me His heart on the subject. And to my delight, that is the most important thing to me right now, to know Him better and to be willing to ask, rather than to withhold for fear of His answer.

Facebook

2011-02-03T05:52:00.003-05:00

Last week while at church and catching up with friends, I stated more than once that I didn't think I was getting back on facebook. I gave a whole bunch of good reasons that are still good. But there's one huge problem.

I miss facebook.

Okay, technically I don't miss facebook, I miss my friends that are on facebook. And after almost a month off it [I lost count], I'm finding that it's just not that easy to keep up with those friends through email. Initially my plan had been to take a few weeks off FB, take a breather and enjoy life without being status update obsessed 24/7. Then I liked it so much, I decided maybe I was done after all. I should know better than to make absolute statements and decisions so soon.

All that to say, I should at least take a few days and think it through and come up with a game plan. Several things had overwhelmed me about FB, first and foremost my undisciplined self, which I don't see greatly improving given my youtube obsession the last few weeks [I still say it's all Jane Eyre and the BBC's fault]. But still, there's always hope for change.

Second, I had confirmed waaaaay too many people, and then tried to keep up with a lot of them. So my goal this time around is to keep it smaller and to the people that I actually interact with [whether face to face or on FB] on a regular basis. If you're reading this blog post, that means you, too. =)

And third, I think it's probably wise not to sign back on until I've gotten over the "I have to or I'll die" phase. Okay, I'm being a little cheeky here, but you know what I mean. In my quest to learn discipline, it seems I'd be missing the point if I got back on the day I decided I missed it. I can be very impulsive, which I've never found to be very useful.

So maybe it'll be a few days, a few more weeks or I'll decide not to get on after all [I heard a rumor that FB could be on it's way out and something new ushered in]. But I do miss keeping up with my friends and family. =)

2011-01-29T23:07:00.002-05:00

"Cynicism creates a numbness toward life...A praying life is just the opposite. It engages evil. It doesn't take no for an answer. The psalmist was in God's face, hoping, dreaming, asking. Prayer is feisty. Cynicism, on the other hand, merely critiques. It is passive, cocooning itself from the passions of the great cosmic battle we are engaged in. It is without hope." Excerpts from A Praying Life by Paul E. Miller [page 79]

2011-01-27T20:19:00.004-05:00

We're currently working through a course called Understanding Anger at church. I think it's going to be very helpful, particularly in learning to decelerate the result of anger, which often results in me feeling quite foolish. All the info this week was great, but two things stuck out to me: the application, and the reminder that acting on our anger is vengeful. And we all know what God says about that....vengeance belongs to Him [which is always a good reminder to me to pray for the offender, not be angry at them]. Of course, my anger isn't always [and perhaps you could say rarely] the result of someone offending and/or sinning against me.

Last night, however, I took great offense to the person tailgating me...in a snowstorm. Four to six inches already on the ground and snow flying everywhere. Can I say 'duh'? Now, a little background on me is that I can be a brake 'tapper' when someone tailgates me. I know, I'm not proud of it. I'm even less proud of it when the 'tapping' starts to look a whole lot more like stomping. Anyway, last night I was itching to send the person behind me a little message. Thankfully, the material from the day before was fresh on my mind:

1. own your anger

2. pray your anger

3. limit your anger [preach the Gospel to yourself]

Living it out isn't so nice and tidy, but it helped. I'm not sure I even touched on #3, which would have really helped, but it was more asking God for help, reminding myself that I would feel awful if my break tapping resulted in an accident, interspersed with thoughts like, "how dumb and ignorant can you be to tailgate in a snowstorm", in which the itching to tap would start up again. Although I'm not really sure how fresh on my mind this thought was, I do find it helpful to remember that acting on my anger is vengeance. Vengeance is one of those things that we're all taught is bad and we know not to do [although we may enact on it in our hearts, which is also sinful]. But somehow I've missed the connection that my driving habits or my thoughts are an act of vengeance, and that puts it in to perspective.

Another helpful reminder is that anger is the result of my pride. That's never been more clear to me than the time my grandmother helpfully pointed out that in situations where someone is tailgating me, I should find a safe place and pull over to let them by. Oh how my pride stung at that thought! Sometimes I stubbornly refuse to do so, but other times I do and there is such a relief afterwards. They can go on their speedy little way and I can enjoy driving again.

A parting thought that is an offshoot of this topic is the caustic, cruel and discouraging comments I often find under news stories, or maybe even ones that I would write. It's becoming an epidemic. I'm currently trying to commit to not reading them, for the basic reason that there is rarely anything helpful or insightful about them. It's a good reminder to ourselves that when we're online and leaving comments, don't say anything we wouldn't want to say in a public setting. And if it's still something we would say, maybe we need to do some soul searching.

"Let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O LORD, my rock and my redeemer." Psalm 19:14

Excerpts from "A Praying Life"

2011-01-26T04:49:00.002-05:00

"We don't need self-discipline to pray continuously; we just need to be poor in spirit. Poverty of spirit makes room for his Spirit. It creates a God-shaped hole in our hearts and offers us a new way to relate to others." page 66 of A Praying Life by Paul E. Miller

"What does an unused prayer link look like? Anxiety. Instead of connecting with God, our spirits fly around like severed power lines, destroying everything they touch. Anxiety wants to be God but lacks God's wisdom, power or knowledge. A godlike stance without godlike character and ability is pure tension. Because anxiety is self on its own, it tries to get control. it is unable to relax in the face of chaos. Once one problem is solved, the next in line steps up. The new one looms so large, we forget the last deliverance...When you stop trying to control your life and instead allow your anxieties and problems to bring you to God in prayer, you shift from worry to watching...Instead of trying to be out front, designing your life, you realize you are inside God's drama. As you wait, you begin to see him work, and your life begins to sparkle with wonder. You are learning to trust again." page 70 & 73 of A Praying Life by Paul E. Miller

Pantries & Hospitality

2011-01-24T20:01:00.000-05:00

I love the idea of having a pantry. Kind of an odd word sounding word, but with a great definition (a room or closet used for storage, as of provisions). Of course, no pantry is complete without row upon row of homemade canned goods, that's the icing on the cake! But beyond that, imagine knowing you have last minute guests coming over for a meal or to share desert, and all you have to do is walk in to your pantry and start grabbing ingredients...I love it! No preplanning required [although keeping it stocked is another matter]. Something about the use of a pantry defines hospitality to me. Or being able to surprise my family with an out of the norm meal with tons of delicious ingredients. Whenever God blesses me with a home of my own, having a pantry will be one of my first goals.

I first understood the blessing of having a pantry from seeing the shelves lining my Grandmother's stairway to the basement. She's always ready to feed whoever happens to stop by...and as everything always tastes better at her house, I almost always end up eating...even when I hadn't intended on it! I also enjoy her memories of childhood, which included always having a home open to family and friends and plenty of food to share.

A parting thought on hospitality: "Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality." Romans 12:13

2011-01-21T17:48:00.003-05:00

I thought the interview went pretty well. I really liked the lady that would be my supervisor on the job, however it pays more than a $1 short of what I would have needed to stay on my current budget [which isn't flexible] and cover the cost of fuel. If I get called back for a second interview, I may still go to see what kind of raises I would be looking at. I'm a little disappointed, but I'm also in a new [very new] season of being wise with my income and trying to learn to stick to this budget. That excitement at seeing change in me [all to the glory of God!] outweighs any disappointment at being able to work around people and during the day. I just pray these changes continue!

So if this doesn't pan out, plan B hopefully includes getting a PT job in addition to the cleaning. I'm hoping to save up for HACC and take courses for medical billing, or something that will give me skills in an office setting. All certification courses. If I find that employers want at least an Associate's Degree, I'll go from there. But for now, I'm trying to improve my job outlook without unnecessary debt.

I'm thankful for all the people in my life that have patiently taught me about budgeting and wise spending. I say patiently, because I haven't listened, for the most part, until now. The top of that list would be my Grammy, an old employer, a very dear friend from church, and now my caregroup leaders [yay Hughes!] who are patient with all my questions.

Some of my greatest lessons have come from my mistakes, which I'm sure isn't an uncommon thing. Top of that list would have to be my current car, although I'm very thankful for a car that runs well and one that should last if I take care of it. I looked in to the idea of selling it earlier this year and getting something cheaper, but found that it makes more sense to continue paying it off [and starting to take care of it---which mainly meant getting oil changes!].

Well, I'm not sure how this went from an update on the interview to a meandering conversation about budgeting, and I have no clue what a picture of an English style cottage garden has to do with anything, but there you have it. Danielle, Queen of bunny trailing! =)

2011-01-18T01:00:00.002-05:00

I found out yesterday I have an interview for a job as a housekeeper [assisted living facility] on Wednesday. It would be about a 35 minute drive, so I'm not expecting it to work out financially speaking, but I'm going to look in to it anyway. It would be wonderful to get on first shift and maybe make a little more income to boot. The nice part is that this job is only 10 minutes [tops] from my church...I would LOVE to move down to that area and be closer to my church family. However, I don't expect this type of job to provide enough to pay rent on an apartment. It would be my prayer, though, if I had the choice. What I'm really hoping for is to find work in an office setting, but without any previous experience it's slow going.

I was able to zip through cleaning tonight to beat the oncoming freezing rain. All wheel drive doesn't do you a lick of good in that stuff. :)

Last Ditch Effort Cream of Potato Soup

2011-01-12T17:36:00.005-05:00

I had this brilliant idea yesterday to make a cream of potato soup [with bacon] from the ingredients I had on hand. I was actually winging it from a soup a friend had made a few years ago, thinking I remembered enough. It was a disaster. To begin with, I've learned my lesson that while store bought chicken stock can be used as a base and a time savor, it cannot in anyway be relied upon for flavor. Definite failure. Second of all, don't plan on putting cheese in something when you don't have any cheese on hand....

Which brings me to today. After making a much needed grocery run, I came home determined to put some flavor in this soup! So I sauteed celery, onions and carrots and when they were good and tender, I threw in some white cooking wine to deglaze the pan, not to mention get some more flavor in there. After that, I ran it through my food processor because I didn't want chunks of vegetables in this soup. Next, I cooked up about a pound of country style sausage, also using some wine and added that in to the pot. The finishing touch was several handfuls [I'm not much on measuring] of extra sharp white cheddar cheese. Flavor! One very large pot of cream of potato soup with bacon, sausage and cheese ready and waiting! Props to my mom for suggesting the sausage and for agreeing that the white wine would be a nice addition, otherwise I might not have been so adventurous and tried it.

On a side note, today is my first full day off facebook and I have to say, it feels good. Maybe this is a little over the top, but it feels freeing. I'm going to miss not being able to catch up as easily with old friends, but then on the other hand, I was surprised to bump in to a facebook friend from high school today at the grocery store. I even got a chance to meet her daughters, so that was a special treat.

*the picture of the soup is not mine, I'm sorry to say. I like that bowl!

Memories of snow...

2011-01-12T02:04:00.004-05:00

One of my fondest memories growing up is that of snow. Western Germany, smack dab between the Northern and Southern parts, wasn't known for letting the snow linger. You learned early on to get out there and enjoy it while it lasted. Because of this, we also weren't real big on snow suits. Why spend money on something that wouldn't be worn for very long? But it also mean double the time of what was actually spent outside just getting dressed. Sweat pants, check. Jeans, check. Another pair of jeans? Nope, won't fit. I don't even remember if we had snow boots, although I doubt I would have worn them. They weren't very cool looking, you know. I do remember wearing my riding boots and at some point realizing they were perfect for sliding down the hill in the snow, my legs tucked under me like a sled. I cringe now to think of those poor boots and all the long hours my mother worked to purchase them for me.

Perhaps the best part, though, was coming inside. Well, maybe not the first ten minutes, when ears, hands and legs were on fire and bright, cherry red. But after that, I loved the feeling of being in dry clothes and going downstairs to my room. We lived on the first floor of an apartment building and were fortunate enough to have a basement. My window was at ground level, and it was very large and with no screen, so the view was crisp. I had my little recliner sitting next to the window--and the radiator--where I could be toasty warm with a view of the snow and curled up reading a book. And for all the fun I had sledding down what we fondly called suicide hill, where you had to bail out before running into an apartment building, I think the best part was coming inside to my cozy little world and cracking open that book. You had to experience the frigid weather to appreciate the warmth inside.

More of Life

2010-09-10T05:53:00.005-04:00

Officially, unless I get an extension, I need to take my final by September 23 for my Human Anatomy and Physiology course. If I get the extension, I'm hopeful to pass. If not.....at least I already own the book....

As I mentioned in the last post, this summer has brought about some changes. Some of this is just simply learning a little bit more about myself. I like that God is revealing Himself to me by showing me who He's made me to be. It's a little bit like standing in front of a painting--one you've looked at every day of your life--and have the artist point out all the colors, dimensions and shadows that you'd somehow missed. You think it would be a simple matter to know who you are, how you think and even what your preferences are. But somehow, maybe because I am a terrible people-pleaser, I never made sense to me.

One of the hardest things for me to face is that sometimes I'm plumb lazy. Yup, lazy. A sluggard. Slothful. Not really a couch potato, but maybe a facebook potato. There are things I need to do, but if I don't feel like doing them, I don't. Sometimes, I have a really handy excuse. And then other times, I'm just more honest about my laziness.

I was reading a friend's blog this morning, and as they shared about ambition in their life, it got me thinking, too. Or I guess you could say, it got me thinking about what I'd already been thinking about. Somewhere in the not too distant past, I shut down all ambition. I was afraid of it. It has been easier to daydream my way through life, make up lofty goals I never plan on tackling, and just sound like I know what the heck I'm doing in this life. Funny how God uses an online course to teach me the difference between merely daydreaming about a goal, and striving towards it. The first brings a brief, but empty, happiness. The latter is hard work but exhilerating.

Ambition in life--and the difference between doing it for myself and doing it for God's glory and pleasure--is a mystery to me. I think somewhere along the line I picked up a lack of ambition as being humble. Or perhaps it was a convenient excuse to be a facebook potato. The absolutely amazing thing to me is He has made my path clear, and the edges that are fuzzy, He's going to bring in to focus.

2010-08-04T20:41:00.002-04:00

Life has come with a lot of changes in the last few months. I think the more I've moved away from working with the cows, the more I've realized my identity is not set in them. Up until now, I've been a person characterized by my job, so there was a short season of near panic that I wasn't doing anything I thought was 'me'. It took time, some tears and a lot of work on the part of the Holy Spirit to help me realize my identity is in Christ, not my job or where I live, what music I listen to, etc.

Part of embracing and delighting in the season God has for me now is to just shut the door to the past and move on. Living and working in the country and getting to interact with the dairy industry was a passion, and I've found that I can't have two things I'm equally passionate about. Looking back, it was either my relationship with God and my church family, or my job [cows]. It just wasn't an area I was able to balance out very well. Even now, if I were to dwell on memories, I find my heart aching for that life. But I don't want to focus on what God has taken away, I want to focus on all the wonderful things He is giving me!

So in this new season, I'm excited about the future, hoping that things work out to obtain a job that allows me greater financial stability to have my own place. My hope is to eventually be qualified for a job in medical billing [taking courses online this Autumn] and be able to move closer to my church family. You can always find a way to engage in hospitality, but I look forward to being able to do it more regularly, both financially and in living closer.

So the biggest change? Wanting to move in to Lancaster city!

2009-12-17T19:25:00.002-05:00

Biggest update of all...I was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea and just got my c-pap machine today! I'm absolutely thrilled at the many reports I hear of increased energy. I'm possibly getting my hopes up a little too high, but I'll deal with that if there aren't the desire changes. I did learn that using the cpap will possibly make my dizziness worse, so I'll have to discuss all that with my ENT doctor if it doesn't go away. I noticed the day after using the c-pap in the study, I was extremely dizzy, so that tipped me off. We shall see. =)

I'm looking forward to flying out on Tuesday to Indiana [state] and spending Christmas with my sister-in-law and niece!! Love those girls to death! =) So far the plan is to head to Chicago for the day and see Macy's and enjoy the outdoor Christkindle Market! My sister-in-law was stationed at the same base as us in Germany, so she has the same wonderful memories of the Trier [outdoor] Christmas Market. It's the most amazing experience, can't say enough about it! We're also planning on going ice skating, although with my balance issues, I think I'll enjoy watching my niece and her best friend enjoy the ice! =) If I'm feeling good and brave enough, I might try it for a bit. I use to love ice skating. ;-) And then lots of visiting, of course. I'll be there five days in all and I'm ecstatic. Bring on the vacation!

2009-11-19T07:52:00.001-05:00

Looking at this past year in rewind, I’m absolutely amazed at all the evidences of God’s grace in my life. I’m not much at being able to memorize scripture, but the one that has always stuck out to me is Phil1:6…”Being confident of this, that He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Having faith that He means to keep that promise is precious, but having faith because I’ve seen His promise at work in me is, well, priceless.

Was it really only a little under a year and a half ago that I was sitting in church, angry with God and fairly glaring at my pastor giving the message that morning because God was speaking through him? I remember sensing God asking me to trust Him, to repent of the rebellion in my heart and come back to Him. At least in my heart, I had strayed and was questioning how much longer I could keep up the song and dance of a Christian life I had created. I knew I was at a point that I needed to confide and confess to others that I was struggling, but I absolutely refused to budge and told Him as much.

What an incredibly arrogant thing to say to the God that created the universe, created me and then gave up His only Son to reconcile me to Him [because of my sin]. Instead of condemning me for my self-righteous attitude, He sent me an olive branch and only two days later, I received an email from one of my pastors asking me how I was doing, with no prompting from anyone but the Holy Spirit. Seeing God’s response to me, knowing He could have rebuked me, melted a heart that had grown so very cold.

Fast forward to the present. Over the last few months, I’ve begun to see distinct signs of fruit from the renovation He has been doing in my life, particularly over the last year. The beginning was somewhat painful and difficult as He first tore down a faulty foundation, pointed out sin in my life and then opened my eyes to a heart that was too afraid to grow in any aspect of life because it required hope. I was afraid of hope; afraid of being disappointed. A new foundation has been put in its place and there is a peace knowing that He is both the builder and the brick and mortar. There is a sense of awe and gratitude that the working of His grace in my life, and the salvation that He sustains for me, is not dependent on myself. I can struggle with doubt, experience seasons of confusion, and yet trust that He is adjusting my understanding of Him. I need not fear that I’ve believed in vain.

Finally, there is the distinct signs of a heart that is far more grateful for His provisions in my life than I could have said a year ago. It’s amazing to see the fruit of working in a job that is, in many ways, the opposite of my character. He has used this job to challenge and shape me far more than I ever could have imagined. This has also been a time of getting to know the person He has created me to be. Imagine I use to think I was an introvert! Working at night by myself has corrected that theory. =)

“Let us hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering, for He who promised is faithful.” Hebrews 10:23

Updates

2009-11-08T14:06:00.003-05:00

I finally have my sleep study rescheduled! It took nearly a month to get the results back, but thankfully I was scheduled for just a few weeks later. And though I didn't sleep much, evidently it was enough to show them something, b/c we're not looking at narcolepsy now. Praise God! That was another one of those, "there's not much you can do, here are some meds."

Frustratingly, everything else seems to be coming up empty. I was told by my neurologist to go back to my doctor and talk to her about anxiety issues causing my dizziness. I went with it at first, but now I'm not wholly convinced. While I do have to admit I tend to be a very stressful, anxious person, I don't see it explaining other instances of dizziness. I don't know. At this point, I need to trust and remember that I don't have a medical degree [LOL!] and they do. So hopefully between their degree and my knowing what my body is and isn't doing, we can figure something out. He [neurologist] did gloss over a few symptoms that are a key to my balance issues [ie., he found out I don't have any lower leg reflexes], but I have an appt. with my family doctor to follow up on all that. He didn't seem too concerned about it, but it seems a rather obvious piece to the puzzle. We'll see. =)

Hmmmm....I miss having more interesting updates.

update...

2009-09-29T18:57:00.002-04:00

I haven't updated this blog in so long, I'm not sure anyone is reading it anymore. =) But I thought I would update anyway.

I go for a sleep study this coming Sunday. They're looking for sleep apnea and if not that, narcolepsy [daytime sleepiness]. On the funny side, I nearly panicked when she suggested narcolepsy, after getting it mixed up with narcissism! Ha! She was very quick to assure me it wasn't a mental problem. :p

I'm switching to a different neurologist in the hopes that this one will actually listen. ;-) The other doctor was very condescending during my appointment and till I left, never really allowed me to address the main reason I was there [after interrupting my symptom/concerns]. I'm hopeful for this new doctor.

On a personal/spiritual level, I'm just barely running the race, if you can call the speed of a slug 'running'. I trust Him, I know He's Sovereign, I'm just really, really tired. I'm hoping any discoveries will also include getting my brain back. That would be splendid. ;-)

Mop buckets and scrub brushes...

2009-07-29T14:37:00.002-04:00

At work last night I got a chance to talk with someone about the nature of the business with a daycare. It was a really great eye opener for me to be more understanding with messy floors and to put a little more detail and care into my job. Last week I was struggling with the notion of spending 4 seasons in a building, as I like to watch the changing of seasons while being outside. The idea of spending that transition in a building is not my favorite. But I think talking with someone helped me realize that the job needs to be done and done well. I need to accept where God has me and maybe find others ways to be outdoors and maybe even get those cows in every once in awhile. =)

I got a little more motivated and wanted to get a project done that I've been putting off since I started...washing those stairs leading to the basement level!! Both stairwells needed a good scrubbing and I decided this was the night to do it. My only problem was that I had strained some muscles in my neck on Monday. No matter, I thought, I need to buckle down and get to work!

The end result? The steps look a little better, but my neck was so strained till I was done that I literally had to use my hand to hold my chin up while driving home! =) Braking strained them even more, so I California rolled through a lot of those red signs you're suppose to stop for. Thankfully there is little to no traffic at 3:30 in the morning! Thankfully after a good night's sleep, I'm feeling much better and don't need a crane to hold my head up! =)

It is the grace and kindness of God that He is supplying the attitude to like this job. There are weeks when my attitude is definitely not what it should be, but overall I must say I'm vastly surprised that I like it. I enjoy having the building to myself at night and leaving knowing it looks spic and span!

One of those days....

2009-07-21T16:26:00.003-04:00

Today was one of those days I'd love to repeat over and over. =) The fun started out by running a few errands before heading to Viv's house to pick up homemade bread, Kombucha starter and some extra goodies she sent me home with. We had a nice visit, a yummy lunch, and then it was off to buy cheese. I go to a farmer over in Narvon, on Welsh Mountain. While I was there, I ended up chatting with a couple from North Carolina on the virtues of raw cheese and our experiences with it. I made sure they knew about Millers Natural Food grocery store in Monterey and also made sure they knew the farmer, Amos, can ship his cheese to them. I felt a little silly playing salesperson, but on the other hand, I was enjoying it! =)

After that, I drove to a farm that sells hormone free beef, pork, duck, etc. and got a few packs of beef. The farmer happened to be on hand and we got to talking about cows. Turns out, he milks a few Jersey cows as well. I mentioned I use to breed cows and he had a few questions. I happened to have the answers, so he had a few more questions. That's when I floated up to cloud nine and decided to reside there for awhile. Evidently, I missed my old job more than I realized. Days like this [including my visit with Viv] use to be a regular occurrence. I hope I appreciate these days and thank God for them, rather than complain about their scarcity. Not all seasons last forever, and so I'm sure this one won't as well. =)

2009-07-14T18:47:00.002-04:00

Today was yet another follow up appointment with my doctor. I was a little disappointed that blood tests came back as fine. It seems a little odd to want a disease, but this particular problem would have come with answers [tested for celiac disease]. Of course, I'd just assume everything be fine and dandy, but since I don't feel good anyway and something has to be up, an answer would be welcomed. We're still waiting for some other blood tests.

The MRI came back fine, which was great news. I have a few other tests scheduled and an appointment to see the neurologist. We discussed a little bit about eating patterns and how I always feel like I'm dragging after I eat [accept for when I eat fish, oddly enough]. We agreed I should start eating the way I had been a few years before, as almost all my symptoms had gone away. I didn't tell her that included raw milk! =) I'd been avoiding this solution, some of which were sinful reasons and some were practical. It's expensive and time consuming. However, I'm going to try and simplify some things and see if that helps. It won't change the expensive parts, but at least it won't be so time consuming with all the extra work. In the meantime, I'm praying some answers develop.

2009-06-30T19:25:00.002-04:00

Okay, so retiring from the blog didn't work so well. I missed it already! I think instead I'll just worry less about how the post sounds and just type! Some days are better than others, so I'll just enjoy posting on those days. =) Staying away never seems to work so well...

This Thursday my niece [Lizzy] and sister-in-law [Shelly] are visiting! So far our plans include everything from going to Hershey Park, trail riding, maybe to Mt. Gretna's beach, Long's Park for the fireworks, possibly the Liberty Bell and on and on. It's going to be one packed 9 days! We're very much looking forward to it. =)

Last Friday I went to the Lancaster Holstein Association picnic. I got to see a few of my old farmers, most of which wouldn't talk to me. I was surprised at first but understood. I'm "just an English girl" now, or something like that. Their wives, however, did talk to me and it was nice catching up with them. =) I also took part in a dairy judging contest for the women's division. You're given a piece of paper for each 'class', which is made up of 4 cows. You must place which cows have the best conformation, udder quality, etc. from best to worst. Then you mark on the paper which order you think they should be in. The classes were 2 year olds, three year olds and aged cow. I handed my paper in, knowing I was going to make a complete fool of myself and even joked to the lady [an old co-worker's wife] not to show it to anyone. So I was very surprised when they called my name for the winner of the women's division! I went up for my prize and couldn't think of what to pick! I finally settled for the camping chair, reasoning that my friend would probably leave soon and I had been borrowing hers! LOL

On a more special note, I got to talk with my former boss and he said some of the farmers still ask about me. One even asked if there wasn't a way he could get me to come back. That made me feel pretty good! If there was a way I could work with farmers without having to work directly with the cows, I'd do it in a heart beat.

And on a final note, I have a routine MRI tomorrow to see if anything shows up. I'm hoping they find something, if there is indeed something wrong. =)

2009-06-20T10:59:00.002-04:00

I'm going to be retiring from writing in this blog for awhile. I've had an increasingly difficult time writing over the last year, since my brain has been turning to mush. And let's face it, life just isn't as fascinating without cow stories! LOL There are also a lot of deeper issues going on in my life lately and most days my brain isn't up to the challenge of writing them out in a way that makes sense. For now I'm going to leave it up and running for the days where I can actually think straight. =)

Just a small update: I think I talked previously about my physical therapist questioning the diagnosis of BPPV [vertigo]. So far I've been to the ENT [ear,nose,throat] and he is ordering another MRI to compare with the one taken back in '02. He either didn't have an idea of what it could be or didn't want to say anything just yet. I'm perfectly fine with this as I tend to be a drama queen. ;-) This keeps me from looking stuff up and making silly conclusions. He did talk about sending me on to a neurologist, which is what the physical therapist had been pushing for.

So we shall see...I'm not concerned about what's wrong so much as whether or not they find something. It's probably just "the grass is greener on the other side", but it seems worse wondering if there is something legitimately wrong as oppose to being lazy or insane. ;-)

2009-06-14T20:40:00.002-04:00

This week promises to be amazing! I'm staying with a friend [Vicki R.] at a friend's house while they're away. So far we've grilled out, had dinner under the shade trees, went down to the creek in their backyard and fished. We caught some really nice looking twigs! Ha ha! We've decided this week is going to be a bit of a working vacation. Looking forward to it! =)

2009-06-12T10:43:00.002-04:00

I've been too tired to do much of anything lately, so nothing much to post. Strawberries are too moldy this year, but we've had enough to enjoy strawberry shortcake almost every night.....yum! Sweet peas are doing GREAT! We kind of got caught by surprise and have them coming out are ears. =)

I had a longer post about a book I'd been listening to, but couldn't get my thoughts together enough for it to be intelligible. So here it is condensed down: Randy Alcorn's daily devotional, 50 Days of Heaven...very encouraging book. Get it and listen to it today! LOL

Have a nice one, ya'll.

Garden News...

2009-05-28T19:11:00.002-04:00

We got in our first harvest of STRAWBERRIES!!! Can you tell I'm excited about this? ;-) To my surprise, this is going to be a great year for them. I thought we weren't getting enough sunshine [plus our patch is weed infested and one large clump, not neatly arranged in rows], but I stand corrected. We're also getting the hang of not picking them so early...what a waste that is! The birds and bugs don't get to them, but then they're too tart to eat.

We also checked the radishes and, to our surprise, they're huge and very ready to be pulled. The lettuce is buttery and looks delicious [haven't tried it yet] and the sweet peas are coming along nicely. Praise God!!

Thoughts of a Fool...

2009-05-27T05:45:00.009-04:00

It seems over the last two years or so, and even more so in the last year, I've continually struggled with aspects of my faith. I mean, I've always struggled, but I guess I'm rather disheartened to see a greater understanding [a.k.a. head knowledge] of God, His character and the Gospel, and yet also see my struggles deepen. Somehow, I thought it was suppose to all work a little differently.

Everything was going along swimmingly just a month or two ago as I spent time reading in Luke and working through specific topics in Systematic Theology by Wayne Grudem. When I realized I was starting to get bogged down by my depravity, and knowing I have a tendency towards morbid introspection, I decided I'd better move my sights more towards God's mercy, forgiveness and love.

That's when everything came to a grinding halt.

I suddenly found reasons to not have my quiet times. I was too tired, too busy, too agitated and too bored. At night I couldn't keep my eyes open, so I told myself I'd have them during the day, knowing full well that I'd be even more likely to come up with an excuse. My heart grew distant and I found myself praying less, if I thought of God at all. My mind began wandering, daydreaming about nothing and spending all day at it.

Perhaps the most detrimental part of these tendencies is the self-absorption that comes along with it. It's a nasty affair and gives rise to depression and hopelessness. God suddenly seemed puny and inconsequential and I felt as if I were sinking in my self-made despair. Self-pity became the chosen life raft, despite its being too deflated for me to keep my head above the water.

By this time, you'd think a person would seek immediate relief, and yet I've found myself digging in my heels. There is confusion, a lack of understanding. I can't fathom why He'd love us, given that we were His enemies and why He'd die for us. And in an odd way, more than that, I can't understand why He delights to provide for me. Because His provisions are great in my life and no small thing. I see them everywhere. Yet day after day, I worry about all the things I'm not doing right, all the poor choices I make and the many ways I continually dishonor and disobey Him. It's unjust that He should be so good to me. Any other time, it would [and has] been a matter to praise Him for His kindness to me. But right now I'm just plain confused.

One other thing has become undeniably evident to me, and that is my pride. I see it everywhere and He's showing me its direct correlation with my resistance to accept His goodness to me. While others bless me, I find myself slow to bless others. My mom has a heart to serve and share with others, but I've found myself encouraging her to hold back where it might cause me to participate. I've taken on an "every man for himself" attitude, rather than giving willingly and trusting God to provide where a void has been left. Above all, I'm completely averse to sacrificing of myself in any way. Outwardly this may [or may not] seem drastic, but inwardly I know it's hitting the mark.

Normally I like to be tidy and neatly wrap this up in pretty paper, maybe with a nice bow slapped on for good measure. But I don't have any real concrete answers right now, other than my needing to move forward in repentance for a heart that's proud, ungrateful and disbelieving. And while I do have faith that God is showing me all these things for a reason, and for my good, I'm embarrassed that I struggle so often and so quickly. But that, too, is my pride talking. By the grace of God, I'm reminded of an earlier goal from a few short months ago: despite my having questions about God and the ugliness of the world [and in me], and being confused by everything around me, I want to continue to move toward Him, asking for grace for what I struggle to believe, and faith for the things that have no earthly answer. And all without charging Him as unjust, for it simply isn't true. Of course, it certainly won't hurt to get my eyes off myself and back on Him...

A weekend for the History Books...

2009-05-25T22:07:00.011-04:00

This weekend was simply amazing. It was a whirlwind of activity, starting with Friday as we scrambled to get ready for Mom's 50th Birthday party [this included, after an ambitious moment of insanity, ripping out a section of a garden and reworking it]!! Doesn't she look too young to be 50? ;-) Because we're blessed with such wonderful family and friends, it made the day special for my mom and stress free for me! So many helped out!! God was so kind to us, too, because though we were concerned it would be a small turnout, given the holiday weekend, we had a large number of folks that were able to make it.

Sunday was sort of a day of recouping. I wasn't feeling well and ended up sleeping through church. Mom and I then did some running around, but the day was largely spent relaxing. We were able to get some more pottery planters from the Sensenig's...they've been so kind to bless us with something we couldn't afford in a normal situation. More on that later!

Monday was the crowning moment of the whole affair. Every year we gather at my grandparent's for Memorial Day breakfast. Most of the aunts and uncles attend, though this year we were a little short on cousins [with families growing, it does become difficult to decide which gathering to attend]. This year we had fresh strawberries, pineapple, pancakes, eggs with creamed dried beef, fried potatoes, blueberry muffins and mom's homemade buttermilk biscuits.

After breakfast, I took dad's camera for a walk and started clicking away...I think I'm addicted to his camera! Till it was all said and done, I snapped 254 shots! Granddad is our source for Iris bulbs, so I enjoyed milling around and capturing all the beautiful varieties he's collected over the years. Some are bold, vibrant colors, others are pale and make me think of a watercolor painting. Perhaps my most favorite are the two-tone varieties.

Granddad and mom spent the late morning hours raiding the Iris bulbs to beef up our collection here at home while I continued snapping away with the camera and then later armour-all'ed the interior of Grammy's vehicle. Later, the four of us [myself, mom, Grammy and Granddad] sat on the porch visiting.

To wrap up the day, after spending a few hours indoors and catching a nap, mom and I spent nearly 3 hours working in the flower gardens. She divided off Iris for friends and planted the newly acquired varieties. I set to work getting the remaining planters filled, as well as finding homes for the plants I'd purchased today from my Grandparents' Amish neighbors. And what a find! For $5, I bought a daylily, two small Johnny Jump Up plants, black eyed susans, and a large pot of asters.

The majority of my flowers this year are on the deck. I am tickled pink with the planters I got from the Sensenig's [thank you, thank you Richard and Lois!!]; they're beautiful and enable me to enjoy flowers on the deck where I can more easily care for them. While I enjoy flower gardens, I'm not the most diligent weeder in the world. As we worked, mom intermittently scooped bucketfuls of slimy water from our small pond, which is in desperate need of a cleaning. To her surprise, she'd scooped one of the frogs out...sort of like throwing the baby out with the bathwater! ;-) We got a good chuckle [and I got in a few good shrieks] as we tried to corral the frog back towards the pond. He finally opted for a hole under a rock and made a break for it.

This parting shot is of Granddad's chickens, who are on house arrest for plucking strawberries off the vines. May they learn their lesson and leave the berries alone!

The Pooches...

2009-05-21T12:16:00.005-04:00

Bronson actually looking handsome and not like a dufus. I love this dog more than I let on!

Sadie Mae scoping out the surroundings.

Notice how far of a distance she keeps...Bronson tends to have boundless energry, resulting in Sadie Mae having to "duck".

2009-05-20T15:19:00.005-04:00

I was headed to work on Monday night and came across someone waving a flashlight. Since it was dark, I just assumed it was someone walking down the road. As it turns out, there was a heifer munching on grass--on the wrong side of the fence! I decided to stay and help out, figuring if nothing else the caution lights on my vehicle would be safer than a flashlight.

Since it was nearly midnight [I was running late], rousing the farmer was easier said than done. Eventually someone was able to get a neighbor up, who turned out to be a brother. She was a very cooperative heifer, proving that the bovine species is only a problem when more than two get out. Then you have a mess on your hands!

It was a nice little surprise to come across that. For a moment, I missed my cows and my customers. Probably more so because, whether permanently or for a season, it's obvious to me that I can't return to that career field. For the most part, I'm enjoying being clean and not having to wear those ridiculous blue Dickie's coveralls and flappy rubber boots. On the other hand, I miss having a job that I enjoyed so much and was relatively good at [whereas any idiot can mop a floor]. Truth be told, breeding cows really wasn't that difficult once a person got the hang of it, but I liked to pretend! ;-) And I still miss looking over a cow and discussing with the farmer what he'd like to see change on her, the bull that could do that the best, etc.

Before I get to feeling sorry for myself too much...time to change the subject! I was reading last night in Job [after a long stint of not having QTs] and was convicted of my recent attitude and prideful heart of late. Here is Job's response after all his possessions, servants and children are annihilated:

"Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I shall return The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD."

The other day I was looking into some bills I received from the hospital and after calling my insurance company, was disappointed to find that they indeed fell under my deductible. It's a sizeable amount of money. I'm ashamed to say my immediate response to the woman helping me was, "man, this insurance sucks." Verbatim. That's what I said.

The reality is, I owe everything, down to the last penny, of my hospital/doctor bills. Nobody ever said in life that we deserve health insurance. I deserve death and Hell. Instead I've been given Life and, because He is such a loving and tenderhearted God, He has given me a gazillion things here on Earth that I take for granted everyday. Formerly, this job didn't offer health insurance, it was done for my benefit. I didn't thank God for the insurance or the fact that I have it when I shouldn't. I didn't thank God that I'll only owe the deductible--I griped and complained that I had to pay what is mine to pay.

Thankfully, He corrected my heart shortly after. I regret that I can't go back to the lady and apologize for my response, but then again, the greater sin was against God, and to Him I should and have repented. Things are never so bleak as they may seem: our hospital has a program that helps those with substantial bills to get them reduced or paid in full [if you qualify]. So I'm applying for that and praying that God would allow them to reduce the bill. If not, I pray my heart would not complain, but instead thank God that having a deductible means having insurance.

To God be all the glory...

2009-05-14T17:40:00.002-04:00

I had a follow-up session with the physical therapist today. It was exciting to already see some progress. Mostly we're trying to teach my eyes to compensate better with the balancing. She also is going to suggest that I see a Neurologist first. I can't say enough what a relief it is to have someone in the medical field confirm that something isn't right [and also have an idea of what to do!]. This is an answer to specific prayer, too. Over the last few months, I'd been praying that God would provide answers and that someone could finally start to put the pieces together. Lord willing, I'll have a better idea of what is going on in my crazy head!

Tomorrow is another round of fishing at Safe Harbor!! Walleye is now in season, so we're hoping we'll catch some. We plan on being there bright and early this time. Good thing Granddad is driving, cuz I won't have had much sleep!!! ;-)

Surprise, Surprise....

2009-05-07T16:15:00.002-04:00

I went to a physical therapist today for a treatment for vertigo, and found out she doesn't believe I have that! After asking for my symptoms, she informed me this isn't BPPV [vertigo]. I was relieved to finally hear someone say that. Anytime I've read up on BPPV, it just didn't make sense to me. But when a specialist tells you you have something, you just assume they're right.

What she does believe I have [which isn't a diagnosis] is some type of vestibular disorder [inner ear]. I'll need to see an ENT [Ear/Nose/Throat] or neurologist to confirm [which is kind of funny, considering the ENT is who diagnosed me with the BPPV]. Anyway, I'm relieved about all of this and curious to see what we find. In the meantime, I have my lovely exercises to do to train my eyes and feet to better compensate for balance. Praise God for P.T.'s who know their stuff and wonderful health insurance!

catfish and vertigo

2009-05-04T11:36:00.002-04:00

This passed Friday we [Granddad and I] fished off the dam at Safe Harbor. It was a little aggravating seeing all these fish repeatedly jumping, and yet nothing was biting. After a bit, we started getting some catfish. I would have caught two, but they were too big for my line. One snapped the line as it was about half way up....very frustrating! ;-) Granddad caught two. We never did figure out what was jumping [I don't think catfish are known to do this]. Walleye and carp also inhabit that body of water. We're hoping to go for Walleye in the near future...should be in season soon.

My vertigo has been a lot worse lately. My attitude about this hasn't been much better. It isn't so much the dizziness [which has been minimal] as much as the loss of balance, loss of memory and mental confusion. I often will have an object in my hand [ie. keys] and will realize I need to do/get something else, so I put the keys down because for some reason, I can't mentally handle both holding the keys and doing whatever it is I need to do. If I'm lucky and I remember what it is I needed to do, nine times out of ten I've already forgotten where I set the keys down. This sometimes leads to a tearful [or angry] search for the item's whereabouts, which my brain has tossed completely. This is funny the first time around, but when it happens every time with every object I put my hands on, I get very, very frustrated. God bless my parents who've had to put up with my fits of anger and mood swings over the last couple of weeks.

All of this has made me realize I need to get drastic with being organized again. So in the coming week, I plan on heavily reducing the "junk" [whether it means donating to the church yard sale, throwing out, or storing away]. I've already gotten the hang of writing notes on my bathroom mirror or using my phone for to-do-list reminders, which has been a big help. I've learned to make those notes immediately, or I'll forget to remind myself, LOL. The part that's a little more challenging is the reality of loss of Independence and coming to terms with the idea that in the near future, I won't be able to handle a full time job and live on my own. Some of that is jumping ahead...way, way ahead. I am scheduled to have the epley maneuver done [suppose to "fix" vertigo] later this week. It was a little disheartening to learn from my doctor that vertigo is a reoccurring problem and will likely return every few years, give or take. At that point, the procedure is to be administered again.

I don't want to be this person, and yet for reasons I don't understand, God has allowed this. It was much easier when I was younger to think, "whatever God ordains is right!" I'm finding it much harder this time around, and yet that truth hasn't changed. With the help of a rotten sinful response known as self-pity, I've been clinging to the lie that this is all somehow my fault and I'm a dismal failure at being an adult. Most of that is just pride talking and isn't worth giving the time of day, other than to realize it's a lie. He is steadfast and He is faithful. My choice is to trust Him or not. There are certainly obstacles to overcome, but He has already given me the path to maneuver though it. Let me rejoice in that rather than grumble that the obstacle is there to begin with, for who in this life was ever promised that things would be easy? And if that be the case, knowing what others are going through, how can I consider this to be something difficult? Though I often choose to not see it, I am blessed beyond measure.